Sickness de la Cullen
by Obsessivegeekybuffalosnowcones
Summary: All of the Cullens get a disease and are mentally ill for about a week. All of their symptoms are different. Disclaiming now: Totally don't own Twilight.
1. It Sleeps!

Author's note: As promised we've started writing this immediately. All of the Cullens have a special "sickness". Basically everyone goes insane for like a week. It'll be funny I promise. If it isn't you can take away my Cheez-its. Please don't take away my Cheez-its. Here goes…

Chapter One: It Sleeps!

Edward's POV

Another day in the purgatory they call high school. It was exactly like purgatory really, it's repetitive to the point where grueling manual labor would be more fun. It's torture. I was sitting in Spanish. I don't normally pay much attention because I'm fluent in it, but today I was having a harder time concentrating. We were talking about the Spanish Inquisition, but now I think we're talking about sheep-eating melons. I swear she just said, "My melon eats sheep and flies cucumbers."

Also, the room kept sliding in and out of focus. I think I kept closing my eyes. It was weird. Then , suddenly, Bella appeared next to me. "Bella," I asked her, "What are you doing in my Spanish class?"

"Poive sull'oceano," was her reply.

"Bella, this is Spanish, not Italian."

"Si. Espagnol. Uh… Buenos nachos."

What? It rains on the ocean? Happy cheese and chips? Now I'm really confused. Plus, Bella doesn't know Italian. "Bella what is going on?"

"I'm here to seduce you in front of the class."

For some reason my mind accepted this as a logical answer. I started kissing her. This still wasn't making too much sense, but I was kissing Bella so… "Sogni!" she cried

Dream? "I can't dream remember. I don't sleep. Ever."

"But this is a dream silly. If this wasn't could I do this?"

She started flapping her arms. She was floating off the ground! She kept going higher, higher. Oh no! She hit the ceiling and abruptly fell back to Earth. "You can fly? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I can't really fly Edward. Dream remember."

Then Mike Newton walked in flanked by Eric and Tyler. They proceeded to dance around Bella in a circle. An intense desire to kill Mike swept over me. I growled at him and lunged for his throat.

I was on the floor next to my seat, still growling. Every head in the room was staring in my direction. Bella and Mike were nowhere to be seen. "Fall asleep, Mr. Cullen?" asked the teacher.

I mulled over the possibility. Bella had said it was a dream. But that's impossible! I'm a vampire, I don't sleep. This wasn't normal. I needed to get out of here. I made a mad dash for the exit with Senora What's-Her-Face and Emmett staring after me. I ran outside to Volvo. I drove to the hospital to talk to Carlisle.

I went to his office and nearly ran into the door while I was shouting at him, "Dad, I fell asleep!"

He said, "Yeah well, I stole a car and gave it to a hobo." He had me there. That was way more impressive.

"Why?"

"I felt like it."

"Okay. Something is definitely wrong with us."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't usually sleep and you don't usually give stolen cars to the homeless. Or act this uncaring about giving away stolen cars to the homeless."

"Maybe we should go home."

"Sure. I'll rally the troops." I said. I saluted and ran out the door and tripped over my feet. "Hi floor, I haven't seen you like this in ninety-two years. How have you been?"

"Edward, stop talking to the carpet!" I got to the Volvo and went to pickup my siblings.

Meanwhile (back at the ranch)

Rosalie's POV

OMC!!!!! I love Edward! I love him so much! I'm gonna marry Edward. Because he's MY Edward! He's so unbelievably delicious. In fact, he's magically delicious! Mmm…yummy. (Rosalie then continued to rant about Edward in her head.)

The class ended and when I went outside Edward was there! He said something about leaving school early. Anything for you, Hottie!


	2. Flying Fiveyearolds

Author's note: I'm bouncing up and down in my seat. I can't believe I had 20 emails when I home from school. That is awesome! And more emails than all the others I've ever gotten combined. hmm… So, everyone's in this chapter and there are more "symptoms." Still don't own Twilight.

Chapter Two: Flying Five Year Olds

Alice's POV

Edward came and picked us up early for some reason. I can't figure it out. We were half way home when I had the weirdest vision. Edward was asleep on the couch in his room. Rosalie walked in and did horrible, unmentionable things to Edward! There must be something wrong with my visions. Edward doesn't sleep and Rosalie despises him. We got home and found Carlisle already there. He looked rather uncarlisleish, almost hyper maybe?

He was talking to Esme about something, completely oblivious to our entrance. "Please Esme," he begged, "Let's go to Vegas. It'll be fun. We can even take a stolen car!"

How he expected Esme to go along with that was beyond me. I wasn't exactly clear on why _he_ wanted to go to Vegas either. Esme didn't waver. "Carlisle, we can't just run off to Vegas. Do you have any idea what those awful, misbehaved children would do to my house? No and that's final."

Our father gave her a dejected look before finally realizing we were standing not five feet away from them. "There is something wrong with us!" he declared.

Gee, what was your first clue? When Edward started hearing voices, or was it when I started seeing the future? Or was it when we became "vegetarians." "Umm… there has always been something wrong with us." I pointed out.

"Well, something is more wrong with us than usual. Edward is acting human, Rose looks like she's in love with him, and I _really_ want to steal a car."

Esme spoke up then. "What have you rotten children done to my husband?"

Since when have we been rotten? Aargh! So confused! I think she's gone crazy too. Are Emmett, Jazz, and I the only sane ones left? Did I just call Emmett sane? Maybe I am going crazy. I was suddenly hit with a wave of intense anger, followed by extreme sadness and jealousy. Jasper was looking at me funny. Of course, he would have felt that. Great, I'm having mood swings.

Fighting off a feeling of loss, I looked back at my family. Emmett took that opportunity to start running around the room with his arms thrown out as if in flight. "Look Rosie!" he yelled, "I can fly! Wheeee!"

Rose gave him a disgusted look. "Ugh, how old are you?"

"Five," he said, holding up six fingers.

And Emmett thinks he's five. Lovely, just beautiful. A vision came to me of five-year-old Emmett in school. I shuddered involuntarily. "We can't go to school like this. I'm seeing all of us except Edward in the principal's office tomorrow."

"Ok, you don't have to go to school. Except Edward, he has to go," said our wonderfully insane father.

"Aww. Come on, Dad. Why do I have to go to school?"

"Because as long you don't sleep and remember to eat, you should be fine. Ooh! Does this mean I don't have to go to work tomorrow?" Esme nodded at him. "Yes! I can go steal cars!" At a look from Esme he changed tactics. "Or I could spend all day at home with you honey," he added suggestively.

Well that was creepy. He did have a point though. I couldn't help but think of what I could be doing with Jasper as a wave of lust washed over me. Edward looked like he was in pain. "Edward, why do you look like you're in pain?" I asked him.

"Because, you, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme are all thinking explicit thoughts that I never wanted to know. And Rose in imagining _me_ without clothes. Emmett's thoughts are the cleanest. He's thinking about butterflies. I'm going over to Bella's. See ya later."

Edward left and Jasper grabbed a hold of my arm, as if he let go I would be lost to him forever. I walked upstairs and continued holding onto me. "Jazzy, what's your problem."

"Alice, don't leave me! Don't ever move away from me! I love you, please DON'T LEAVE ME!"

He sounded desperate, like I might actually leave him. "Calm down Jazzy."

"Just never leave my side ok?"

"Ok, I love you, Jazzy."

A/N: Aww. Aren't they so cute? And clingy. This pretty much finishes off their symptoms. Carlisle wants to do stupid, reckless things, Edward's human, Alice has mood swings, Rose loves Edward, Esme thinks her kids are miscreant, Jasper is clingy, and Emmett thinks he's five. Imagine the possibilities. Wait, that's my job. Bella finds out in the next chapter so keep reading. Please review. Reviews make me happy.


	3. Well This Is Awkward

Author's note: Because being able to make fun of Edward is fun. I've decided to make him clumsier than Bella. Maybe. I really don't know. That's probably why my stories suck; I make them up as I go along. Edward does need to reacquaint himself with the floor. Don't own Twilight.

Chapter Three: Well This Is Awkward

Bella's POV

I heard the purr of Edward's Volvo as it pulled into the drive. My heart fluttered and I skipped to the door. I couldn't wait to see the vampiric perfection of my love. I opened the door to find Edward's smiling face. I stared at his too tempting lips as he walked into the house. He really was perfect, perfect lips, perfect nose, perfect eyebrows **(Haha Sorina. Eyebrows. Please don't hurt me!)** set above his perfect eyes. WHAT?!?!?! His eyes! They're ... they're… _**green**_. "Holy bleep!" I yelled. (**Sorry, don't swear.)**

Charlie of course heard that and walked into the kitchen where we were now standing. "Isabella Swan! What the heck was that? You know better than to talk like that. Unless you were yelling at him, in which case, carry on. I won't interrupt your fight."

"We weren't fighting," I said harshly, "I was just caught off guard."

Charlie looked disappointed before glaring at Edward and leaving. He never passed up a chance to glare at Edward. I refocused my attention on Edward's eye. They were a shockingly beautiful shade of green with tiny flecks of a more emerald color here and there. "Wanna go upstairs so you can explain this to me?" I suggested.

He nodded and followed me to my room. Upon entering he fell face down on the floor. Did he just _TRIP?_ Something was seriously up. Edward was mumbling into the carpet. "Maybe Bella will let me talk to you. It really has been too long. Almost a century. You're much softer than I remember. Of course, I usually fell on wood floors or rocks. Carpet was a wonderful idea. I wish I could thank whoever thought of it. It's been really nice talking to you."

With that Edward stood back up. I couldn't help staring at him like he was insane. You can't really blame me; he was just having a conversation with my carpet. "If you're done talking to my floor, could you please explain what's going on?"

"I wish I knew. As far as I can tell I'm becoming human. Everyone else is acting strange, but they're still vampires. I don't know how or why it happened. To tell you the truth, I like it. Maybe this means there's hope for my soul after all. And I had no idea I missed sleeping. As promised, I did dream of you." He flashed me a heart melting crooked smile. "Oh, andRoseisinlovewithme."

What. The. Heck. _Rose_ is in love with him. I was having trouble with coherent thought. _Rosalie? _Through my tangled thoughts my mind managed to register footsteps on the stairs; Charlie must have noticed we weren't downstairs. Edward took a step towards me, tripped again, and landed on top of me. My door opened and Charlie peered in. His face turned purple. I had to admit; it was pretty incriminating. Edward was lying on me in an incredibly awkward position. I broke the silence, "Well, this is awkward."

Edward quickly scrambled off me and flushed a brilliant red. As wrong a time it was to notice this, he looked _really sexy_ when he was flustered. I blushed at the thought leaving no one in the room their proper pale color. "Uh… this isn't what it looks like," said my scarlet boyfriend. "I tripped and fell into her. We weren't… we weren't…"

Charlie gave him his hardest glare ever and Edward scurried out of the room, throwing back a quick "I love you." I could tell from the look on Charlie's face this was going to be a long night.

A/N: Embarassing Edward is fun. I might have a surprise from Esme in the next chapter, but I need to consult with my sister first. Btw sis, couldn't help it with the eyebrow thing. I love all the reviews I'm getting. Keep it up and Edward will write you a poem. :D


	4. 911

Author's note: As promised Edward wrote you a poem. It's a limerick about what he thought his Spanish teacher was saying.

**There once was a honey dew melon**

**It turns out it was a felon**

**It killed lots of sheep**

**Without making a peep**

**Its new inmate was a watermelon**

Great isn't it. My sister is letting me go on with Esme's surprise, so I don't own Twilight or any TV shows. LET THE TORTURE BEGIN!

Chapter Four: 911

Special Guest Star Whose Name You Will Find Out Later's POV

I walked through the trees on the twisted path of a drive way. They have a very secluded house. I swear one of these days the budget is going to allow us a car. I've been walking for three miles already. Finally, I could see light filter through the trees ahead. I stepped out of my cover of trees and saw a beautiful three-story house. It was white and well, _huge._ I walked up to the house and heard screaming. A soprano girl's voice said, "What the bleep!" Which was followed by another female voice yelling, "Language!" and hurried footsteps accompanied by a male's voice shrieking, "Wait! Please don't leave me!"

The first girl's voice said, "Edward, why didn't you hear her coming?"

Another guy's voice, presumably Edward, replied, "It's harder to hear people like this. Why didn't you see her coming? Besides, I was trying to run away from Rosalie, a very difficult feat when she is a whole lot faster. Bleep! Leave me alone!"

"What is it with you children and your profanity? Edward, go answer the door."

"Yes, _mother._" Two sets of footsteps approached. A teenaged boy answered the door with a gorgeous blonde trailing behind him. "Hello," he said, "Not to be rude or anything but, what are you doing here?"

"Didn't your parents tell you? I'm Nanny Stella from Nanny 911," I answered.

Carlisle's POV

No his parents didn't tell him. One of us didn't know! "Esme, what is going on? Why is some stupid nanny here? We can't have these humans here!"

"Honey, someone has to be able to control these horrible, rotten children. This lady always manages to do it on TV. She should be able to control them."

That was the worst logic I'd ever heard. How was that human going to control five mentally insane vampires? Why did Esme suddenly start thinking our ninety-year-old kids were rotten? Why isn't the sky neon green? That would be awesome. So would stealing Alice's Porsche and racing it in the Indy 500. Wait, right, I should stop this. "We can't have the human going through our house. Or observing our children. Or us."

"Carlisle, she is staying and that is final."

Nanny's POV

"Why don't we all introduce ourselves and tell something about us," I suggested. "I am Nanny Stella and I like the color pink."

A tiny pixie-like girl said in the high soprano I'd heard earlier, "I'm Alice and I like shopping and Jasper."

The tall blond that was clinging to her arm said, "I'm Jasper. I like the Civil War and Alice."

They're together? That's weird. The gorgeous blonde said, "I am Rosalie and I love Edward."

A bronze-haired boy she was eyeing said, "I am Edward and you love Emmett not me."

Rosalie gave a very muscular guy a dirty look. The muscly guy said, "I'm Emmett and I can fly."

He flew around the room a few times and I turned to their parents. Wow. Daddy is HOTT. I gave him a sexy smile when his wife wasn't looking. He smiled politely and said, "I'm Carlisle, this is Esme. A pleasure to meet you." Did I say hott? Cause I meant to.

Edward's POV

We have to find a way to get rid of her.

A/N: The first time Sorina and I did this we had Esme call the Nanny 911 people so, thought I'd try writing it that way. Tell me what you think of the idea. How will Edward get rid of the Nanny? Wait and see…


	5. Day One: Observation

Author's note: I'm sorry to report that I don't own Twilight and Nanny won't be eaten. No, I have an awesome elaborate plan. Mwuhahaha.

Chapter Five: Day One: Observations

Nanny's POV

We were all gathered in living room. "Today I want you to go about your business as usual. I'm just going to observe you."

They dispersed rather quickly after that. I decided to follow Edward first. He walked out the front door and headed towards one of the out buildings. He walked into what appeared to be a garage filled with expensive cars. He continued over to the silver car. "Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm going to go see Bella."

Oooh…Edward has a girlfriend. "Who's Bella?"

"My girlfriend."

That was a very bland answer. "Why are you going to see her? Aren't you going to spend time with your family?"

"I need to clear up an incident that occurred yesterday. I spend enough time with my family."

He doesn't volunteer information much. "What incident?"

He gave an exasperated sigh. "You're not here to interfere in my love life. God knows I have enough people doing that already. So butt out."

That was rude. "You didn't answer my question. What incident?"

"I tripped."

This was getting old quickly. "Can't you see her over here?"

"Fine! I'll go get her. Goodbye."

He's so rude. The silver car pulled out of the garage and sped off down the path much too quickly. Since he was gone I decided to see what Alice and Jasper were doing. I made my way back into the house. I thought I heard Alice's voice coming from upstairs. I walked up and found her room on the right. I opened the door and found a shocking scene before me. They were most definitely together; that absolutely proved it. I wondered if their parents knew they were sleeping together. Jasper noticed my presence and for some reason I felt extremely embarrassed and guilty.

I left quickly and went to see what Rosalie was doing. After searching for a while I finally found in a room on the third story. I guess it was her bedroom, though it wasn't what I was expecting. CDs lined the right wall along with a giant stereo system. The back wall was completely covered by a window. Curiously, there was no bed, only a black leather couch pushed against the other wall. "Hi Rosalie, what are you doing?"

She whirled on me, a furious look in her black eyes. "You interrupted my contemplation of Edward. Unless you are here to gush over how hot and sexy Edward is, leave! I love you my Edward," she sighed dreamily.

She ran her hands over the CDs before walking over to the couch. She laid down on it and inhaled deeply while stroking it. That was odd behavior towards one's couch. Then I began thinking, what if this was Edward's room? She really was obsessed with him. Having a girlfriend, he obviously didn't reciprocate the feelings. "Is this Edward's room?" I asked.

Keeping her head in the couch cushions, she nodded. I left her to her couch smelling. I wandered back downstairs and found Emmett playing video games. He was slaying vampires with an assortment of stakes. It was very violent and very gory. As he speared another one, the door opened. Edward walked in accompanied by a girl. This had to be Bella. She was laughing and I realized it was because Edward's face was covered in mud. "Bella, I promise to not laugh the next time you fall if you stop now," he said.

She quieted after a couple more minutes of giggling. She walked further into the room and noticed me. She burst into another fit of giggles. "Eddie," she gasped, still laughing, "Are you…serious?....I …I this is too funny!"

"Yes. This was Esme's idea. I didn't find out she was coming until an hour ago." Bella was unable to control herself and settled for watching Emmett decapitate vampires.

A/N: This probably sucked but I'm tired. I wanted to finish this chapter before I went to sleep. The evil plan starts next chapter. Edward hasn't come up with it yet. I promise I will start writing it as soon as I wake up.


	6. Parent Talks and Searches

Author's note: Sorry, I lied. The evil plan isn't in this chapter. This is the setup for Edward coming up with his evil plan. Twilight's still not mine.

Chapter Six: Parent Talks and Searches

Carlisle's POV

The "Nanny" spent all day following my children around. Now, she's going to tell us what they did. This'll be a waste of time. Time I could be spending in the back seat of my Mercedes with Esme. (Random thoughts about Esme that make Edward want to bang his head against a wall until his brain flies out) "I have a few concerns about your children's behavior," she started.

Yeah, big surprise there. "Alice and Jasper were having _intimate relations_ when I saw them this morning. They haven't left that room all day. Were you aware that they do that?"

Duh! They're married. Right, can't say that. "We were aware but, we allow them to make their own choices. We don't try to be the overbearing parents you think we should be."

"It is highly inappropriate to allow them to do that. They are practically siblings."

Grr… "And they're in love so what does it matter?"

"It does matter, but we can talk more about it later. Rosalie has an unhealthy obsession with her brother. She spent the time Edward wasn't home in his room smelling his couch. When he got back with Bella, she followed him and attacked Bella."

Huh. How to explain that? "It's just a crush, she'll get over it. And Edward would never let Bella get hurt."

"Emmett tried to fly off the roof and otherwise doing stupid, dangerous stunts."

I should try jumping off the roof. Or a cliff. Maybe a mountain. Yeah, a mountain.

"He didn't get hurt," I pointed out.

"Lastly, Edward. He spent all day with Bella. I think she's a bad influence on him. Just five minutes ago I caught him trying to sneak out to see her. Does he do that often?"

Esme finally spoke up. "Yes, he does it every night. That rotten girl spoiled my boy. He was so good until he started seeing that girl."

I couldn't believe she just said that. "Esme! What are you talking about? Bella is the best thing that ever happened to him!"

"You need to start taking more responsibility for your children. Tomorrow I'm going to set down some ground rules for them. Goodnight."

The next day

Edward's POV

Daylight was breaking as I snuck back into the house. I'd slept a little longer than I'd meant to at Bella's. I just hoped Nanny hadn't noticed my absence. I didn't want to have to explain that. Due to my newfound bad luck, she was waiting for me. "Good morning," I said.

She gave me a stern look and asked me, "What were you doing sneaking out?"

"Not what you think I was doing," I muttered. She didn't seem convinced. "All I did was sleep."

She gave me another look. I rolled my eyes and ran upstairs to change. About the time I was undressed, Rose burst into my room. I think she was listening to see when I would be like this. I hid behind the couch and yelled at her to leave. She walked away, a smug look on her face. "Everyone downstairs!" an annoying voice yelled.

We went into the living room to find Nanny standing there with a piece of paper. "I have a few rules to lie down," she declared. Yeah, like we were going to follow them.

**THE RULES**

There will be no intimate relations in or out of this house.

Carlisle looked shocked. "Does this apply to us, too?"

"Yes." His left eye started to twitch.

No jumping off things.

Carlisle repeated his last concern, "Does this apply to us?"

"Yes." He started growling.

No sneaking out.

"Does this…"

"YES! All of the rules apply to you two, too." He started thinking about stealing cars and going to Vegas.

No stalking your siblings.

"What about your sibling's girlfriend?" asked Rosalie.

4. No stalking your siblings or their girlfriends.

No reciting the Rules of Acquisition.

She got weird stares from that one.

No one shall free Wesley.

Ok, that was going too far. "We need to free Wesley. He's the one who does background music for our awkward conversations!" Do You Want Fries With That by Tim McGraw started playing in the background.

There will be no speaking strange languages such as Geonosian, Klingon, or Italian.

A series of clicking noises emanated from Alice's throat.

8. There will be mandatory searches of your rooms.

"What! Why is that?" I asked.

She replied, "Because I'm convinced you're doing drugs."  
Oh. She must be trying to rationalize in her mind why Alice and Jazz are sleeping together, why Emmett thinks he can fly, and why Rose spent all of yesterday smelling my couch.

9. No closing doors even though that is their main function.

"What if we have to go to the bathroom, then can we close the door?" asked Emmett. I don't know why he asked. I'm the only one that has to use the bathroom anyways.

"Yes," Nanny said, "You can close the bathroom door."

10. 47 is not funny.

Is she insane? It's hilarious!

11. If any of the rules are broken, you will be punished. Your parents will come up with the disciplinary actions.

**END OF THE RULES**

"Any questions?"

That was stupid thing to ask. Emmett said, "Only like 5000! But I settle with three. One, why doesn't Rosie love me anymore?"

"I never loved you, retard."

"Okay. Number two, where do babies come from?"

Nanny looked annoyed and said, "No comment."

"Sure. Number three, why is it when I pick my nose I don't find any snot?"

"I don't know, but you shouldn't pick your nose."

"Aww, drat. Number four…"

"I thought you only had three?"

"I changed my mind. Number four, can we stalk werewolves?"

She looked annoyed again. "Yes, if you find a werewolf you may stalk it."

"Okay, I'm going to La Push. See ya later!" He skipped off to the garage.

In Mandalorian, Alice asked Carlisle, "Should we let him drive in this state?"

"You're right," he said. "Edward, go with him, you're human. They can't hurt you."

"You two can leave after I check your rooms." We went upstairs. She checked Emmett's room first. She came out after five minutes looking perplexed and disturbed. "Emmett, why is there a blender in your room?"

Emmett looked well like Emmett. "Umm…smoothies?"

"Okay. Edward show me your room." We went up to my room. The couch cushions looked slightly askew. You could see where I had punched the wall after Rosalie had left earlier. I had tried to fill in the fist-shaped hole, but it hadn't really worked, I'm still a little stronger than your average human. She went over to hole and examined the drywall dust on the floor. "I knew it! It's CRACK!"

"Actually it's…"

"Don't give me any of your excuses! I'm calling the police." She interrupted. Seeing her stand next to the "crack" on the floor gave me an idea.

A/N: This took me exactly three hours and two minutes to write. That's the last time I try writing at 8 AM. Don't own "Do you want fries with that" or Wesley. I wish I owned Wesley. (Wesley from Star Trek: The Next Generation) (Mandalorian, Klingon, and Geonosian are assorted Star Trek/ Star Wars languages that we also don't own.) (47 is a Star Trek conspiracy. We may be a tad bit obsessed.) Next chapter EDWARD'S EVIL PLAN, I promise. This is our longest chapter ever!


	7. Sir, I Slept With Your Daughter

Author's Note: Don't own Twilight. LET THE EVIL PLANS BEGIN!

Chapter Seven: Sir, I slept with your daughter

Edward's POV

I vaguely saw my plan play out in one of Alice's visions. It was going to work. She nodded in my direction with a smile. She whispered something to Jasper and they left the room. I told Rose to keep Nanny busy until Alice was ready for her. I hurried out to the garage and got in my Volvo. I drove down to Bella's.

I was in luck; Charlie's police cruiser was in the driveway. I left the motor running and knocked on the door. Bella answered. "Hi," I said, "I need to talk to Charlie. Please just go along with it."

I walked into the living room and found Charlie watching a basketball game. "Chief Swan, I need to tell you something." He glared in my direction for interrupting his game. Or it could have been because I was alive. "Sir, I wanted to tell you, I slept with your daughter."

The look on his face in that moment was priceless, but I didn't have time to appreciate it. I took off running for my Volvo; Charlie hot on my heels. I jumped in and sped off down the street. I could hear the sirens as he pursued.

I reached my house in five minutes with Charlie still following. Alice thought to me that she was ready. I lurched out the car; running as soon as my feet hit the ground. I led him through the woods to the back of my house. Everyone was gathered in a circle near the river. They parted as I ran up to them.

Without Emmett and Jasper blocking the view you could see the Nanny. And most importantly, Charlie could too. She was facing us, smoking pot. However Alice had done it, she was a genius! Charlie stopped chasing me and stared, mouth agape, at Nanny. He walked over to her. "Ma'am, what are you smoking?"

She shrugged and took another drag. I knew he could tell what it was. He would have to arrest her! We were Nanny free! "I believe you are smoking marijuana," he said.

She looked at him and said, "Could be." This was too funny. "I believe you're going to have to come with me." He turned to me and said, "I'll deal with you later."

I couldn't believe he'd actually believed that. "Sir, I didn't really sleep with Bella. I just said that so you would follow me. And it worked."

Of course, he chose not to believe that. He'd believe Bella. I think. Maybe I should have said something else. No, I couldn't have missed that look on his face. He took Nanny around to his cruiser and drove off. We all spent a good half hour laughing our butts off. "Hey Em, you ready to stalk some werewolves?"

He grinned widely and me and said, "Heck yeah!"

A/N: Kinda short, but the next two chapters will rock your socks. You will rofl like a waffle. I promise.


	8. Stalking Werewolves

Author's Note: Don't own Twilight, Harry Potter, Seth, Brad Paisley's songs, Alan Jackson's songs, enraged police officers, or the way Vulcan's raise their eyebrows. Leah's a little OOC.

Chapter Eight: Stalking Werewolves

Edward's POV

We took Emmett's jeep and magically passed over the boundary line we weren't allowed to cross. La Push really was a nice place. "Who are we stalking first?" Emmett shrugged. "How about Seth, he won't kill us if he sees us.

"Okay, we'll save Jake for last!" Emmett was way too excited.

"Seth's thoughts are coming from that house right there. You need to stay back a little so he doesn't smell you coming. Be quiet." We snuck into the Clearwater residence where Seth was thankfully alone. Didn't want to think about what would have transpired if Leah was there. He was reading _Harry Potter_. He was thinking about how great a couple he and Ginny would make. It's pretty funny actually. I mean who falls in love with a fictional character. **(Teehee, no one but most people reading this and us, right?)**

"No. Why Harry? I can turn into a wolf! Can't Remus get a little love?" he sounded really upset. He started sniffing the air. Dang it! He could tell we were here. "Hmm…smells like sunshine."

I lost it then. "I DON'T SMELL LIKE SUNSHINE!!! People just need to stop saying that." He jumped up and nearly turned wolf right there in the house.

"What the heck are you two doing here?!?! You're gonna get yourselves killed if Sam shows up or LEAH! Oh crap she's gonna smell you. She'll know you were here! I'm dead!" he started hyperventilating.

"Seth, would he really have you kill a poor, defenseless human?" I asked while he was gasping for air.

"That would be great… IF you were human."

"Don't I smell funny to you?"

"You've always smelled funny to me. Kind of a sunshiny type smell. Now that I think about it, it does smell weaker. DUDE!!! I can hear your heart beat!"

"See, I'm human."

"What about him? He still smells awful." He wrinkled his nose once he got a good whiff of _Essence d'Emmett_.

"I couldn't exactly stop him. I'm human." I said like he was mentally slow. Though, in truth, the only mentally slow person here was Emmett. He was looking around the house disappointed by the lack of gory werewolf stuff.

"OOOOHHHH, Eddie can we go cliff diving? Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeaaaaaassssse!" Emmett said whilst jumping up and down hyperactively.

"If you stop calling me Eddie we can go cliff diving. See you later, Seth."

"Yeah bye! I'm gonna go find some air freshener!"

We got back in the jeep and I drove us to the beach. Emmett started singing "The Wheels on the Jeep Go Round and Round". I hit my head against the steering wheel several times. We got to the beach and went over to the biggest cliff. Emmett started toeing the edge of the precipice. He looked scared. That mo-ron! He can't be hurt by the fall, the rocks, or the current. He's such a… a five-year old.

"You go first, Edward."

"You big baby, you're not going to get hurt. Just jump before someone sees us up here." I was fairly agitated now.

"No, you first."

"No, you."

"No, you."

"No, you."

"No, you." He pushed me off the ledge. I was free falling. I did a couple of flips and completed a perfect dive into the water.

"Show off." He screamed down at me. He disappeared from sight for a moment, then came charging over the edge. He preformed a sloppy cannonball. When he hit the water a gigantonormous wave sprung up and hurled me all the way to shore. It was black.

My eyes opened with Emmett uncomfortably close to my face. Knowing him, he was probably talking to me for ten minutes before he figured out I was unconscious. He was clearly panicking about something. "Werewolf! Hide me!" he whimpered.

"Emmett, I'm not big enough to hide you. Who is it?"

"L-l-l-l-eah!" he stuttered. I sat up and saw a figure walking towards us. Oh crap.

"What the crap are you doing here!" she shouted at us.

"Cliffdining…umm…diving" I said.

"Stalking you." Emmett was such an imbecile. She began laughing at us.

"Yeah, how's that working for ya?"

"Admittedly not very good," I replied. "You're not going to kill us, are you?"

"We're going to stalk Jacob next," said Emmett peeking around from behind my shoulder. She seemed to like that idea.

"Can I come? I know where he is."

"Hold on a sec." I called Rosalie. "Hey Rose, you wouldn't happen to be able to come pick me up, could you?" _"Of course! Anything for you, baby."_ "Great. I'm along the boundary line." _"Okay, cool. Alice! Can you help me get dressed; I'm going to pick up Edward. I need my hair done, better clothes, maybe a pedicure. Awesome see ya Eddy-weddy-kins."_ She hung up. Really, a pedicure? I turned to Emmett.

"Hey do you want to see Rose?"

"YES! Where is she? I love Rosie."

"The boundary line."

"Yippee! See ya, Eddie!" He ran off, granted it was in the wrong direction, but he did run off.

"Let's go annoy Jake," I addressed Leah.

"Cool. We can take my car. I heard the gigantonormous jeep pull away just now."

"He isn't with in walking distance?" She shook her head. "Where is he?"

"Forks." She sounded nervous.

"Bella's house?" I guessed. She nodded. I growled.

"Your growl sounds funnier than normal."

"I'm human."

"Oh. That explains the smell. Sunshine much?" she mocked. I growled again. She laughed. We went back to her house and got her car. It was so old and generally crappy looking. "If you say anything about my car, I swear, I will bite off something you will sorely miss. And I'm not talking about a big toe."

"That's okay. I'm not particularly attached to any toes anyways. I'd really prefer if you bit them off." I cowered. I tripped trying to get in the passenger's seat. "Hi. You are a lovely stone floor." She raised her eyebrow in the typical Vulcan fashion. I got in the car. We sat in silence for most of the ride. She turned the radio to fill the awkward void. "Online" by Brad Paisley started playing. I couldn't help but laugh. Upon being asked what was so funny, I replied, "This song is just me. Minus being overweight and asthmatic. Actually I played in the Rose Parade."

"What instrument?"

"Umm…flute. They're so shiny they take away from my face shining," I said defensively.

"Really? I play the oboe."

"See, reed instruments didn't work for me. My teeth tend to damage reeds." We arrived at Bella's house. I could hear Jacob's thoughts from inside. Leah stayed in the car. I went up and knocked on the door. Bella answered the door flushing all over her beautiful face.

Bella's POV

I opened the door and saw Edward standing there. Aw crap. Jake was here. "Uhh…hi." "Hi, Bella. Hi, dog." Great, he even knew Jake was here. "Hello, Mr. Sunshine," came Jake's voice from behind me. "Behave you two or I'll throw a fit." "Oh no, not a fit!" they said in unison. That was weird. They didn't seem too pleased about it.

Edward came in, fell again, and said, "Ahh. We meet again, _carpet._" Jake sniggered. "He talks to carpets? I can totally see why you like this guy." "Shut it, Jake. I think talking to carpets is sexy. And so is tripping." Edward and I both blushed badly. Jake, not being able to mind his own business, asked why I was blushing and, more importantly, why _he _was.

"Oh, no reason. He's just human. No big deal."

"Yes, but why are you blushing?"

"Still no reason. I was just remembering him tripping yesterday."

"Why's that making you blush?"

"He may have fallen on me. And Charlie may have walked in then. With him on top of me. He went ballistic. I wonder what he would have done if it was you, Jake."

We were all curious about that actually so, we decided to give it a try. When Charlie came home Edward was going to hide while Jacob was lying on top of me. And sure enough, Charlie did come home. We all got into position. He walked through the door to find Jake lying on me on the couch. His eyes got kinda big before he chuckled and said, "Sorry, I'll leave you kids alone." I was furious. I followed him out the door.

"What was that? _I'll leave you kids alone?_ Sure, Edward trips on me and you freak out but, if Jake is purposefully on me you don't care? How is that fair?" I stomped back inside with him following me. Edward looked sad. "Why do you hate me?" he asked. Charlie ignored him until he was asked seven more times. "Why do I hate you? Because you are an awful person! You hurt her and I'm not gonna forgive you for that!"

How could he be so mean? "Dad, I forgave him. It's not like you're the one dating him." He gave me a look and left. Then, Edward's cell rang. "Alice?" he said. "Why? Okay, we're on our way. Bella, Alice wants us."

Leah's POV

Chief Swan came outside. He walked over and tapped on my window, which I rolled down. "Who are you?" he asked. "Leah Clearwater, Harry's daughter."

"Oh, what are you doing here?"

"I gave Edward a ride here."

"Why?"

"His brother left him in La Push."

"Why'd ya bring him here?"

"He asked me to." "Country Boy" by Alan Jackson spewed out of my radio. About the time it said, "Hop in my bed; I'll take you for a ride" he started singing along. And he was giving me these…looks like he was offering to "take me for a ride." I hit the gas and left him standing in the driveway.

A/N: Ha! I made Edward play the flute. There is nothing wrong with flutist! Well, some of us aren't preppy girls. Oboists are cool too. Charlie was sexually harassing Leah. Sorry, but it was too funny. What does Alice want? It's a mysteryyyyyyyyyy.


	9. A Night To Not Remember

Author's note: We definitely don't own Twilight or any song we are going to use in this chapter. We also don't own the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man. He's not even going to be mentioned in the story but we thought we'd throw that in there. While we're on the subject we don't own any polar bears either. But that would be cool now wouldn't it. We do however own Paj Bune, our rabbit, that my father calls Newman. She may be in the story eventually.

Chapter Nine: A Night To Not Remember

Edward's POV

Bella and I were driving to my house in her awful, noisy, slow, old truck that I despise dearly. I asked her why Alice wanted us. She had said it was Bella's idea. "I don't know. I never said anything to her. What did she say exactly?"

"She said to come home immediately or face her shopping wrath. I knew you wouldn't want to spend hours trying on dresses for her, come to think of it neither would I, so we're going home. And I don't know why. Maybe you didn't have to tell her. Maybe it was some stray thought that she saw in a vision. Were you planning on doing anything tonight?" I asked.

"You, umm…taking you somewhere."

"Where?"

"Well, it might have been a bar or club or something. I was thinking about all of the human experiences you missed after you were turned. You were seventeen, so you probably didn't have much alcohol. I wasn't really planning on going through with it. It was just payback for Prom." She started getting defensive and nervous. This couldn't be good.

"Bleep. She wouldn't…right? No, she would. I'm still seventeen so they wouldn't let me in anyways." I mean I can't go to a club. Why would I even want to?

"Actually according to the driver's license Alice has for you, you're twenty-two. If this is what she's planning I don't think you're getting out of it."

"Bleep. Fine but I'm not drinking," I stated clearly.

"You'd do it for me, wouldn't you Edward?" she said very persuasively. Stupid human hormones! How am I supposed to resist her when she talks like that? Why does she even want me to anyway? It doesn't make any sense.

"Fine." We pulled up in front of the house. Alice was there looking very aggravated about something. Jasper was hanging onto her arm for dear life.

"Finally!" she shouted. "I was beginning to think I would have to go drag your butts down here. JASPER! Cut it out!" She sounded sincerely angry. This was bad, very, very bad. She grabbed my arm and threw me at Jasper and told him to make me look presentable. Jasper was looking really dejected. Then I started feeling dejected and both of us were completely miserable before we even got to my room. Rosalie was waiting there for me. When I came in she jumped up from my couch, raced across the room, and threw her arms around my neck.

"OH Edward! I was worried you weren't going to come back! That _girl _is poisoning you. You're losing your sunshine smell and you smell more like _her_. Eww." I looked at Jasper and he was kind enough to remove her from the room.

"What exactly does 'presentable' look like?" I asked Jasper whilst he sulked some more. He tossed a bag at me. Inside the bag was a sort of suit-type thing. I guess it was okay. It could have been worse. Jasper left to go stand outside the bathroom door where Alice was dressing up Bella while I got dressed. Then I heard a strange ripping noise come from the bathroom. I went out to the hall and Bella was standing there with one sleeve while Alice held the other. Alice started sobbing. About two seconds later she was yelling that I wasn't supposed to see Bella yet. Then after another three seconds she was giggling like an idiot. I guess she like the dress better with one sleeve or something. She got really hostile quickly after that and dragged Bella back into the bathroom to do her hair. Jasper stood staring apathetically at the door Alice had just slammed in his face. Poor guy.

I went downstairs and about ten minutes later Alice, Rosalie, Bella, Jasper, and Emmett came down too. I was beginning to feel sick about this whole thing. I was confused why Emmett was coming with us, too. Five-year-olds didn't typically enjoy clubs, or did they? Bella looked stunning. I still didn't want to do this so I attached my self to the couch and refused to move. Then Rose suggested she could carry me to the car and I ran for the garage as fast as my weak human legs would allow.

We sped along the highway until we turned into some bigger city. I couldn't tell where we were. I was too petrified to make much sense of my surroundings. Bella was right, going that fast as a human was terrifying. We parked outside some flashy neon-lighted club. We all got in without any problems like Alice predicted. Bella accompanied me to the bar so she could make sure I fulfilled my 'human experience quota'. Alice was feeling hyper so she Jasper went to go dance somewhere. Emmett went with them and I swear I saw Rosalie watching me from around the corner. The bartender asked me what I wanted. I decided to try beer because lots of people drank it. You figure it must taste good if that many people liked it. It took a sip. It was the foulest tasting I ever had the misfortune to let trickle down my throat. I had three.

I could hear music pulsating through the room now. I couldn't make out the words, but it was fast-tempoed and kinda catchy. So I dragged Bella over to the dance floor. Dancing was loads of fun. I spun around a lot and when the song ended I was a little dizzy. I got a shot of something from the bar. Another song was playing. It had an irresistible beat, so I danced again. I think Bella was even enjoying herself now. I still thought I saw Rose watching me whenever I turned around quickly.

I went back to the bar again and a song called "Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo" started up. The song sounded like directions so I took its advice. By the end of the song I think I might have had twenty rounds. Then I saw Rosalie come over to me looking extremely sexy in a weird kind of way. She was batting her eyelashes at me. I grinned like a moron. Then everything went blank after that.

I came to and I was being dragged out of the car. A white and gold shape picked me up and walked into our house. The unidentifiable person took me upstairs and set me down on a couch. Everything around me was a pink blur. The goldish person sat down next to me and started talking. After a while I could pick out a few words. "I….Eddie. …you happy. ….Make ….all night…. You……..ride….your life." That didn't make too much sense. It became clearer after a few more minutes. "We can have a one night stand. Though I'll still love you forever. Maybe you'll love me after this."

"Waza wunnigh stan?" I slurred. "A one night stand is where one or more participants gets drunk and doesn't remember doing anything with the other person in the morning." That sounded like fun. "I'm gonna do that with Bella!" I announced. The girl sounded like she was cursing. I got up and fell down several times. I leaned against anything I could find on my way up more stairs. I found a golden room with a black couch and blacked out on top of it.

A/N: I like drunk Eddie. He's fune. Bad news, Nanny 911 has three nannies. So, there is gonna be a new one in the morning. Our next victim is…


	10. Aww, He Purrs

Author's Note: Yay chapter ten! Rain sometimes sounds like sizzling bacon. Everyone is pretty much ignoring the treaty in this chapter so it would be best if you did too. Don't own Twilight, Nanny 911, yatta yatta, Frosted Flakes, (Though Sorina loves them) or the hair people had in the 70s. Edward's still a little drunkish.

Chapter Ten: Aww, He Purrs

New Nanny's POV

It was noon already and Edward was still asleep. I decided to go wake him up. He was sprawled out on his couch, doing highly inappropriate things to it, and _purring?_ He was definitely purring. His head twitched in my direction and a growl escaped his lips. I rejoined the rest of the family. "He's purring. And growling. Does he always do that?" They all nodded. This is a weird family. From the observations Stella had left me they obviously had a lot of issues. I had decided to go with her rules. Poor Stella. I was almost positive these children had tricked her somehow.

I went back up to Edward and Emmett came with me this time. Upon entering the room, Emmett practically attacked him. He opened his eyes a little then shut them immediately. He groaned and tried to move away from his brother. He looked like he might be sick. "Emmett go," was all he managed before Emmett picked him up and started running. I followed them back to the living room. Edward was set unsteadily on his feet and he fell onto a chair that had been moved while I was gone.

He sat there with his eyes closed and his hands holding his head. Carlisle was looking at him concerned. He went over to him and looked him over in a doctorly fashion. He seemed surprised. "Are you drunk?" he asked him. Drunk? Stella didn't say anything about drinking. Edward opened his eyes slightly and replied, "No. Last night I was drunk. Now I think I'm, umm, hung over."

"Edward why were you drinking?"

"Alice and Bella made me. It was kinda fun. I had twenty rounds of this stuff called Jose Cuervo and I tried some beer. It was nasty. I had three," he said proudly.

Carlisle shook his head before addressing Alice. "Why did you and Bella make him drink?"

"It was Bella's idea!" she screamed defensively. "She's a bad influence. She thought Edward needed to have a few 'human experiences' and drinking is what she came up with."

I noticed something else then; Edward was wearing a skirt. Stella wasn't very good with her observations; she hadn't mentioned he was a cross dresser. "Why are you wearing a skirt?" I questioned him. He looked down and screamed. "What the bleep! This is the skirt Bella was wearing yesterday! Alice how could you let me do something like that?"

"Quit overreacting Edward. You didn't do anything. You're too much of a prude. You just thought it would be funny if you and Bella switched pants. No idea why, that skirt is _so_ not your color." I had to agree, hot pink was _so_ not his color.

Edward sighed in relief. Then, the doorbell rang as if some one was pushing the button over and over. No one moved. Edward looked around, rolled his eyes with some difficulty, and staggered over to the door. He opened it to reveal a tall girl with dark skin. She had her nose wrinkled in disgust. Edward was the only one surprised that she was at the door. His mouth fell open and he turned to Carlisle. Carlisle shrugged and started making out with Esme.

The girl let herself in. She seemed uncomfortable being here. "Have you seen Jacob, Leech?" she said. Leech? What kind of nickname is that? Does he drink blood or something? This guy was seriously messed up. "I haven't seen him. Can't you hear him? Why did you think we would know where he is?"

"Because Bloodsucker, we think he was kidnapped and you are the only ones with motive. Can't you hear him?"

Edward stood there for five minutes with his face screwed up in concentration. I didn't hear anything. He said, "I hear a very imaginative current of profanities coming from the basement. What is he doing in our basement?" He gasped and looked at Carlisle before heading off to the basement.

Leah's POV

I followed him towards a door, presumably leading to the basement. "Ya know, I'm pretty sure kidnapping is against the treaty."

"Don't look at me. I didn't do it."

"Then who did?"

"Carlisle."

"Carlisle, as in perfect doctor, head of your coven, guy who created the treaty in the first place Carlisle?"

"Yep!"

"Why?"

"It was stupid and reckless."

Of course, everyone kidnaps werewolves just because it's stupid and reckless. We went down some stairs and ended up in a giant room packed with stuff. "This way," he said, "He's by the stuff from the 1920s."

"Stuff from the 1920s?"

"Vampires are hopeless packrats."

"Holy bleep! What is that?"

"That is a wig. It was vey fashionable in the seventies."

The thing he called a wig looked like a big blond afro. "Might I ask whose wig?"

"Carlisle's. He only wore it for two days but, it was hilarious. Alice threw a fit, but we got blackmail pictures!"

"Sure. What's that?"

"That, my dear Leah, is a sandwich."

"First of all, don't call me dear. Second of all, is that what it is under all that green stuff?"

"It was Carlisle's sandwich. Ya know, from back when he could eat."

"How old is Carlisle?"

"379."

"You have a sandwich from the 1600s?"

"Hopeless packrats, remember?"

"Ok, I suppose that was actually a Confederate flag from the Battle of Galveston."

"It was more like a skirmish, really. It was Jasper's."

"Right, so where is Jake in all this?"

"We have to go left at the 1830s, right at the 1950s, circle the 1910s, and if we hit the priceless lost Picassos, we've gone too far."

I looked at him like he was mental. I mean they must be mental. Really, just…_mental_. "We are mental," he said. After a while of wandering past such things as accordions and Elvis records, we found Jake bound and gagged. I ungagged him and his cursing became more distinct. Once he was free of his bindings as well he ran away, hopefully in the direction of the door. We went upstairs and found him cussing out Carlisle. I dragged him out the door and into the woods. We transformed and ran back to La Push.

A/N: Hello! Another chapter down, more to come. As soon as we come up with an actual plot line. Also we'll tell you who the replacement Nanny is. Her name just never came up with hung-over Edward and Leah to deal with. I wonder if there really is a 356-year-old sandwich. Melanie just hit me in the lip with a laptop. I swear, it is swelling! Sorina, it is not. Please review. We only got one review for the last chapter. And my emoticon looked more like this. : ( than this : )


	11. What's Orange Square and Cheesy all over

Author's Note: This might be the last chapter up for a few days. We have like 10 billion school projects all due next week. :( I haven't exactly come up with a plotline yet but, I'll write something. Disclaimingness: Don't own Twilight or Nanny 911 or Josh Groban.

Chapter Eleven:

Nanny's POV

After that strange girl left, I took the opportunity to talk to Edward. He was really cute. Not as hot as his father, but probably easier… We were alone up in his room. "Hello Edward. I haven't really had a chance to introduce myself. I am Nanny Debrah." He stared past me with a vacant expression. He got up and walked over to his wall of CDs. "What do you listen to?" he asked.

"Rap," I replied, "I'm down with the kids." His expression was kind of hard to read but, I think he looked impressed.

"Yeah man, you're da bomb." He said I was _da bomb._ That's awesome. I felt giddy. He picked up a CD and put it into the stereo. Out came something _instrumental._ And it wasn't even in English. Ugh. He seemed dazed as he swayed slowly to the music, a cheesy grin held on his face. "What is this crap?"

An angry, shocked look crossed his beautiful features. "It's Josh Groban, _Alla Luce Dal Sole, _and it is way better than _rap_." He sneered out the word. "Just remember, you can't spell crap with rap."

Ok… I should talk to him about all of his odd behavior. "Edward, I think we should talk about your behavior. You spend all of your time with Bella, you sneak out in the middle of the night to see her, you keep fighting with your brothers, and last night you went out drinking. That is not acceptable behavior and it needs to stop."

"Let's see, I love Bella with everything that I am. Why would I not want to spend time with her? I know what you're thinking, and that's not why I sneak out to see Bella. I watch her sleep. Emmett's an idiot. Plus, we're _guys_. It's all good-natured hitting. It's _fun._ A hard concept, I know. I don't drink. That was the first time ever. I only did it because I didn't want to face Alice's shopping wrath."

"Alice's shopping wrath?"

"She threatened to make me try on dresses for her to buy. Trust me, she would have found a way."

For some reason I didn't doubt that. I decided I would take today to talk to all of the children individually. I excused myself from the room and went looking for Emmett. I couldn't find him so I asked Carlisle if he'd seen him. "He's on the roof." _On the roof?_ What kind of horrible parent let their children go up on the roof? I found a way onto the roof through a window and spotted Emmett standing with a look of deep concentration. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Flying. Could you please be quiet? This takes a lot of concentration."

"Emmett, I don't think you should be-" Before I could get a whole sentence out he had run across the roof and jumped into the trees. I watched in horror as I waited for the crash that would announce he'd hit the ground. But it never came. He reemerged from the trees a little ways from where he had entered. He was completely unharmed! I hurried off the roof and through the back door. Emmett was looking displeased. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I hardly got any distance with that flight," he complained. I couldn't believe it. "Emmett can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure."

"Why do you keep trying to fly?"

"I know I can. I'm just not trying hard enough. How cool would it be to actually fly?" He mumbled something that sounded like, "Maybe Rosie would like me if I could fly."

"Emmett if you keep jumping off things, you are going get hurt."

"No I won't. I'm indestructible!"

"It may seem that way, but someday you will get hurt."

"But-"

"Don't argue with me. Now go inside and stop jumping off things."

He stomped back inside, mumbling under his breath the whole way. I figured I'd finish off the guys and talk with Jasper. He, of course, was with Alice. They were making out in the kitchen. I asked Alice to leave and she ran away crying. "Hello Jasper. How are you?"

"Sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"You made Alice cry."

"Why would that upset you?"

"I love her. I'm very attuned to her emotions."

"Why do you love Alice? All you ever do is spend time with her. Don't you have any other interests?"

"I can't help loving her. She's like a matching puzzle piece for me. Even though we started out so far away, fate brought us together. And I do have other interests. I like going through Civil War history books and pointing out what they got wrong."

"How do you know they're wrong?"

"I know things."

"Ok…" He started giving me death glares and I decided I should talk to Alice so they could be back together. _Before_, he annihilated me. I went up to her room and heard laughing coming from her closet. I entered into the biggest closet I had ever seen, and found Alice rolling on the floor, clutching her head laughing. "What's so funny Alice?"

"Chocolate, haha, frog butts!"

What. The. Heck. "No seriously, what's funny?"

"An image of two girls fighting over who had to eat the chocolate frog's butt just popped into my head. It's hilarious!"

"Alright, so what do you like to do for fun?"

"Jasper." Did she just say…? "And shopping! I love shopping!" She was bouncing up and down almost too fast for me to see. No more sugar for her…

"The rooster crows at midnight!" she yelled suddenly. "But roosters don't crow; they cock-a-doodle-doo. And if I were you-oo I would watch out for that rooster. You never know when it may come flying off the roof and land on your head. Same applies to Emmett. Oh and we do have a rooster on the roof. It's a weather vane!"

"What is this?" I asked her cornfusededly.

"It's a game!"

Ok, no more caffeine for her either. "I'm gonna go talk to your sister, Rosalie."

"Ok, but remember, the game never really ends. Someone, somewhere, is being chased by monsters." I was getting kind of scared, so I left quickly to find Rosalie. She was standing outside Edward's room. I could still hear that awful music coming through the door. "Rosalie, can I talk to you somewhere else? Anywhere else?"

"Sure. I was about to go to my Edward shrine anyways."

I followed her to her room and, sure enough, in one of the corners was a shrine dedicated to Edward. The shrine consisted of the usual clichés such as a lock of his hair, a piece of chewing gum, and several pictures. There was also a pair of his pants, a vial labeled venom, a vial labeled urine, a poem about melons, and a few pieces of math homework. There was also a karyotype map, DNA analysis, and fingerprint and dental records. She was the other extreme of stalkerish obsession. "That's a very interesting shrine you have there."

"I'm still missing a few things. Like Bella's head on a stick or a life-sized statue. You know, stuff like that." She replied quite nonchalantly.

"Umm… why do you hate Edward's girlfriend so much, Rosalie?"

"She's a bad influence! She makes him sneak off in the middle of the night to see her. And I think she might be bi. I mean, I can't let Eddie get hurt like that once she realizes she likes Jessica more than him." She seemed really upset. I should definitely tread lightly here.

"Rose, tell me. What do you think of your other siblings?"

"Edward is the hottest, most amazing, adorable guy in the whole universe! Jasper is creepy and he gets really geeky whenever he talks about the Confederacy. Alice is cool, because she agreed to help me kidnap Edward and play dress-up." She started smirking, it was sincerely sinister.

"What about Emmett?"

"Freak." She murmured.

"Why do you think he's a freak? He really looks up to you."

"He thinks he can fly. Need I really say more?" She asked sarcastically.

"Okay. What about your parents?"

"Mom's gone off the deep end. That's why you're here. Dad is so much cooler this week. He offered to steal us a car to kidnap Edward in."

"Okay. I'm so glad I got a chance to talk to you." I said, still a little scared. Then I ducked out of her name as she began chanting some poem about Edward.

Edward's POV

I was really, really, really, really hungry! I went down to the kitchen while Rose was still chanting to her shrine. I didn't expect to find much in this house where no one eats. I opened a cabinet. There was a red box with a cheese wheel on it. Cheez-its, hmm…didn't sound too bad. I opened the box and shove a handful in my mouth. Holy guacamole! It was beyond awesomenessio! It was just so cheesy and salty and…and SQUARE! My insides were going haywire. I needed more Cheez-its. I'd just eaten the whole box in forty-seven seconds. I got out my cell phone and called Bella. She answered the phone. "Hello, Bella. Do you have any Cheez-its?"

A/N: Don't own Cheez-its, although they are the greatest food known to man. And the quote about monsters that Alice said was taken from the winning speech at the end of Pacman Arrangement. Sorry this took so long. Oh and if you can guess where we switched writers, Edward will write you another poem! And if anybody wants to do my homework I would be so happy. Edward might even write you two poems! And if you get the quote from the Twilight movie, Eddie will write you a third poem. Lol. JK about the homework.


	12. The Beast from Down Under the Couch

Author's Note: The rest of chapter eleven's name is "What's orange, square, and cheesy all over? Hint: It's not our former English teacher who was in fact orange, cheesy, and a total square." which was way too long to fit on the line. So here's a haiku poem.

**Cheez-its are super cool**

**They maketh me want to drool**

**Don't take the cheesy!**

Any who, we don't own Twilight. And the beginning of this chapter is for Marigold 85. Credit to my lovely mother for its name. And don't kill me for the Veggie Tales quote. I couldn't help myself.

Chapter Twelve: The Beast from Down Under the Couch

Edward's POV

I woke up on my beautiful couch. I felt reborn, rejuvenated, rea…lly thirsty. It wasn't a normal, ahhh!!! I need water, thirst. It was if there was a human here right now I would be biting their neck. I stood up and I felt extremely nauseous. I ran to the bathroom and regurgitated the Cheez-its. Dang it! I really liked those. I went back to my room. I could smell my human scent all over it. I smelled good. I smelled something else too. I had never smelled such a scent. It was animal. I could hear its heart beating from under my couch. I crouched down to look at the source of the unknown fragrance. Then something charged me and started gnawing at my ankle. It was a feral WOMBAT! I scooped it up and was about to feed on it when Emmett ran into the room. He took the wombat from me and yelled down the stairs, "DAD! Edward's trying to eat my pet wombat, Jeremiah!" **(Jeremiah was a wombat. He was a furry friend of mine.=) )**

"Don't eat your brother's pet," he called up the stairs.

He was nuts! Since when did we have a wombat? And who named him Jeremiah? Why don't we have a llama? We could name him Ducky! Ooh, or a platypus! We could name him Percival. I headed towards the stairs but was intercepted by a teeny-weeny vampiric entity. Alice pushed me into the bathroom and stuck my face right in front of the mirror. My eyes were red! OH BLEEP, stupid human blood in my system. They were like a red-black color. No wonder I was so thirsty. Alice shoved some funny looking colored contacts into my eyes. She was really pushy this morning.

I went out the window because I heard Nanny coming. I landed head first on the ground. I didn't think I was quite over my clumsiness. Well, as long as I was here. "Hello, earthen ground. I'm sorry to say that our recent association will be ceasing soon. Once I'm fully a vampire tripping will be obsolete." I got up and ran up to the mountains where mountain goats are usually found. I really wanted a mountain goat. I found a nice big ram. I head butted it then drained it dry. This was loads of fun! Then to my amazement I found ten of them set up in an equilateral triangle. I decided to go bowling. I found a big boulder and bowled a perfect strike, naturally. It was really funny watching them try to get back up. I laughed, I cried, it moved me, Bob. **(Like the tomato, veggies, get it? No? Okay. Hey look! A distraction!)**

I ran back home in high spirits. As much as I had loved being human I was relieved to be back to normal. If I recovered, then the others should recover soon too. I was going to miss the quirks of being human, like not worrying too much about hurting Bella. But I had already missed a couple nights of her sleep talking. Who knows what I might have missed as a human?

When I arrived home, it was to find Nanny Debrah throwing a fit over the wombat in Emmett's arms. "Emmett, wombats don't make good pets. You need to return him to wherever you got him," said Nanny.

"Don't say that! Jeremiah is a girl wombat!" declared my younger brother indignantly. "Besides I can't give her back. They were using her for trials with rabbit food! They were torturing her, and I saved her."

"You stole the wombat," Nanny replied disbelievingly.

"No. I saved her. You can't stop our love!" he cried as he ran upstairs. Yep, Emmett was whacked. I went into the living room then Nanny called everyone to attention. Emmett came back still carrying the wombat.

"This family has many issues to work out," she began, "So tonight you're going to play a game as a family. You're going to have to decide together what game you want to play. All of you will be playing." She looked at me and then Carlisle with suspicious eyes. I was all confused why she looked at me weird. She left the room to let us discuss the game.

"We should play vampires and werewolves!" said Emmett.

"What is that?" Rosalie asked.

"It's like cowboys and Indians, or cops and robbers. It's just two opposite words put together that really just means we're going to fight each other," he declared cheerfully.

"I'm not being a smelly werewolf." Rose said. That was followed by more complaints about werewolves.

"Fine," said Emmett, "Then what do you suppose we do?"

"Truth or dare?" asked Alice

"NO!" I shrieked, "Never again!"

"What about strip poker?" suggested…Carlisle? He was met by blank stares. Then people started imagining their significant others stripping. Eww. Rosalie was thinking about me. Then everyone else agreed whole-heartedly. We all escaped into the security of our pack rat basement to play…ugh, strip poker.

A/N: Next time: The Cullens play strip poker! And I'm gonna think of a better poem if people comply with the other requirements. And thank you for the wombat idea. It was genius! If there's anything totally random you want in this story don't be afraid to ask. Also for an upcoming chapter could we have some ideas of songs you'd like any of the Cullens to sing.


	13. Losing Streak

Author's Note: Don't own Twilight or Frogger, but we still own Paj Bune! She may appear in here, if I remember.

Chapter Thirteen: Losing Streak

Edward's POV (most of this is in Eddie's POV isn't it?)

We sat in a circle in a secluded part of the basement. The circle went Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, and then me. They made me sit next to Rose. The psychopathic blond. They hate me don't they? Esme produced a pack of cards from the pile of junk next to us, 1730s I think. She shuffled and dealt with vampiric speed and precision. I looked at my hand. I had three clubs and a couple of diamonds. I discarded the diamonds and got two more clubs in return. A flush! Alice giggled seeing the outcome that I had deduced from everyone's thoughts. We revealed our cards to show that Carlisle had lost. He took off his shoes.

And so it continued. Emmett and I lost the next two hands. Carlisle lost again, followed by Alice and me. Carlisle lost three hands in a row reducing him to his underwear. "Why do I keep losing?" he screamed in frustration. I heard Esme's thoughts and I burst out in laughter. "Esme's stacking the deck!" I declared through bouts of laughter.

"That explains my losing streak." Emmett then burst into laughter. "Losing streak!" he laughed. "That's the funniest pun I've ever heard!" At our confused looks he continued, "Ya know, cause when you lose, you streak!" That was pretty funny.

Alice took the cards to discourage further cheating from Esme, who was eyeing her husband suggestively. We went back to playing and Esme and Jasper finally lost a hand apiece. Emmett and I were getting our butts kicked, or as he put it, "On a losing streak." Rose wasn't fairing too well either, but I didn't feel sorry for her because she kept imagining me losing the next two hands. All three of us were down to two articles of clothing.

After a while, Emmett, Carlisle, Rose, and I were completely stripped. Everyone else was down to only an article or two of clothing. I kept trying to hide behind the junk surrounding us, but Rose kept moving into a position where she could see me. Then, we heard footsteps.

Nanny's POV

Everyone had disappeared. I hoped they were playing a game. I went looking for them, to no avail. Then, I heard laughter coming from the basement. I descended the stairs and found myself surrounded by pile after pile of stuff that no one has used in the past few decades. These people had more issues than I thought. I followed the noise and had to backtrack a few times when I hit a dead end. I finally made it through the maze and found **the** strangest scene before me.

Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle (swoon) were completely naked. The remaining girls and Jasper were very scantily clothed. "What is going on here?" I asked incredulously.

They all exchanged a look before saying in unison, "Strip poker." _Strip Poker?_ "Why are you playing strip poker?"

"You told us to play a game as a family," said Carlisle.

"I meant something like Charades or Monopoly, not _strip poker!_"

"Oh," they all said.

These people, I swear- Something grey and furry hit me, interrupting me thoughts. It was attacking me! I screamed shrilly as the thing continued to claw at my head. I heard someone yell, "Paj Bune!" I turned to see Alice looking up at the fur ball on my head. "Get it off me!" I screeched.

It was removed form my face and saw it was a demented grey and white rabbit. Everyone except Edward seemed to forget their clotheless state and ran up to bunny in Alice's arms. "I thought she died when Jasper bit her!" declared Esme.

"I guess she survived," said Alice euphorically.

It stared up at me with huge red eyes and I vowed that I would kill that rabbit. I addressed the family. "You will find a different game to play."

A/N: Sorry about the length. I didn't want to detail every hand. Sorina actually laughed for about 20 minutes the first time I came up with Losing Streak. It's not really that funny, but it makes us laugh. And I remembered Paj Bune! I love Paj Bune. Demon rabbit. :D Also we want more song suggestions. Thank you.


	14. Round One DINGDINGDING

Author's Note: Thank you for all the suggestions! I'll try to use as many as I can. Don't own any songs (Except the Rantk Song) or Twilight. Someone finally got the quote a few chapters back, so Edward wrote a cinquain especially for you people.

**Ceilingfan**

**Wooden Planks**

**Whirring in circles**

**Making me feel dizzy**

**Faint**

Pretty ain't it? Now, on with the story!

Chapter Fourteen: Round One. DINGDINGDING!

Nanny's POV

"You will find another game to play," I said again. Everyone got dressed and led the way out of the basement. They assembled in the living room to contemplate their choices for a new game. Alice, who was beginning to look suicidally sad, perked up immediately. "Guys!" she squealed, "I have an idea! We could play-"

She was cut off by a loud rumbling noise coming from outside. I looked out and saw a faded red pick-up. Edward rushed to it immediately, grinning like an idiot. He opened the driver side door to reveal Bella. I despised her. Rosalie's right. She's a bad influence. They walked happily back inside. "Hey Bella," he asked her, "You want to play a game with us?"

"Sure," she said rather cautiously, "What are we playing?"

"Alice was just about to tell us. Alice?"

"KARAOKE!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

At least karaoke involved everyone wearing clothes. Actually, it really wasn't a bad idea. I was amazed. Emmett and Edward disappeared into the basement and came back with a karaoke machine and a box of CDs. They set up quickly. "Alice, since this was your idea, would you like to go first?" asked Edward. Alice bounced up and down nodding vigorously.

"Ok, round one is normal songs," she announced. Round one? As in more than one round? She went through the CD box and popped one into the karaoke machine. She moved with the music as it started.

_I need to go shopping  
These shoes are all wrong  
Just looked in my closet  
Not a thing to put on  
I wonder how these jeans make me look from behind  
Things that never cross a man's mind_

Lets turn off the tv  
Now can't we just talk  
Lets lay here and cuddle  
Till we both drift off  
If we don't make love  
that'll be just fine  
Things that never cross a man's mind

That joke is too dirty  
That steak is too thick  
Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it  
That car is too fast  
This beer is too cold  
And watchin all this football is sure gettin old  
Wish I was workin this weekend  
Not on the lake, reelin my line  
Things that never cross a man's mind

Her lips too red  
Her skirt is too tight  
Her legs are too long  
and her heels are too high  
Boy, she looks like a marryin kind  
Things that never cross a man'

That joke is too dirty  
That steak is too thick  
Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it  
That car is too fast  
This beer is too cold  
And watchin all this football is sure gettin old  
Wish I was workin this weekend  
Not on the lake, reelin my line  
Things that never cross a man's mind

I feel a little bloated  
Think I'm fixin to start  
That movie was good except for the violent parts  
Brad Pitt is sexy  
Why did he change his hair  
I knew him and Jenny never had a prayer  
These curtains clash with the carpet  
The color scheme is a crime  
Things that never cross a man's mind  
Things that never cross a man's mind

That song certainly fit her. She motioned to Emmett with the microphone. He jumped up enthusiastically and relieved her of the microphone. "This is a little ditty I like to call, The Rantk Song."

_Rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk_

_Rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk _

_Rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk_

_Rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk _

_Rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk rantk!_

_Rantk rantk rantkk..._

We all looked at him funny. "A real song," requested Rosalie. He looked upset at the bashing of his song, but he started singing again.

_Five little ducks  
Went out one day  
Over the hill and far away  
Mother duck said  
"Quack, quack, quack, quack."  
But only four little ducks came back._

Four little ducks  
Went out one day  
Over the hill and far away  
Mother duck said  
"Quack, quack, quack, quack."  
But only three little ducks came back.

Three little ducks  
Went out one day  
Over the hill and far away  
Mother duck said  
"Quack, quack, quack, quack."  
But only two little ducks came back.

Two little ducks  
Went out one day  
Over the hill and far away  
Mother duck said  
"Quack, quack, quack, quack."  
But only one little duck came back.

One little duck  
Went out one day  
Over the hill and far away  
Mother duck said  
"Quack, quack, quack, quack."  
But none of the five little ducks came back.

Sad mother duck  
Went out one day  
Over the hill and far away  
The sad mother duck said  
"Quack, quack, quack."  
And all of the five little ducks came back.

He really was five wasn't he? I shook my head slightly as I stared at him. He seemed pretty pleased with himself over his performance. He handed the mike off to Edward. He whispered something to Bella causing her to break out in giggles, before putting a new CD into the machine. "This one's for you, Nanny." He jumped onto the couch and danced along with the music.

_I don't care if it comes in a bottle  
I don't care if it comes in a can  
I don't care if it's stirred or shaken  
Man, could you give me one for both hands_

_  
If it goes down easy  
(Yeah) it makes you feel good  
If it goes down easy  
It makes you feel good  
_

Bella joined him on the couch and began jumping and dancing along with him.

_  
Sign on the wall said no dancin' on the tables  
She never lets the rules get in her way  
No, she don't  
She got da whole joint jumpin' and goin' crazy, ha ha ha  
She grabbed my hand and danced me right outta the place  
Out of the place  
_

Bella grabbed his hand and danced him off the couch.

_  
If it goes down easy  
(Yeah) it makes you feel good  
If it goes down easy  
It makes you feel good_

Might be one 'a those fine French wines  
Might be some good ol' damn homebrew  
Long as we get to have a good time  
Most times anything will do

If it goes down easy  
(Yeah) it makes you feel good  
If it goes down easy  
It makes you feel good

There're things in life that just keep gettin' better  
Ah, yeah  
I said no, but I guess maybe I meant yes, ha ha ha  
Hey, she insisted, so I just had to let her  
When it's that smooth who really cares what anybody says  
I don't  


Carlisle and Jasper started singing backup.

_  
(So if it goes down easy)  
(It makes you feel good)  
It makes you feel good  
(If it goes down easy)  
(It makes you feel good)  
(If it goes down easy)  
Keep it comin' baby, fill up my glass  
(It makes you feel good)  
It's killin' me and I like it like that  
(If it goes down easy)  
Maybe we shouldn't, maybe we should  
(It makes you feel good)  
All I know is it makes you feel good  
(If it goes down easy)  
I makes you feel good  
(It makes you feel good)_

"Edward!" I shouted indignantly. "That was highly inappropriate!" Of course he hadn't drank before last night. I can't believe I believed that! He's probably a full blown alcoholic. He began to laugh at my expression. I'll show him. He tossed the microphone to Rosalie before sitting back down and moving Bella onto his lap. That's disgusting and very inappropriate. Rose popped in another CD and sang melodiously.

_State the obvious,  
I didn't get my perfect fantasy  
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me  
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy  
That's fine; I'll tell mine you're gay  
And by the way..._

I hate that  
Stupid old pickup truck  
You never let me drive  
You're a redneck heartbreak  
Who's really bad at lying  
So watch me strike a match  
On all my wasted time  
As far as I'm concerned you're  
Just another picture to burn

There's no time for tears,  
I'm just sitting here  
Planning my revenge  
There's nothing stopping me  
From going out with all of your best friends  
And if you come around saying sorry to me  
My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be

'Cause I hate that  
Stupid old pickup truck  
You never let me drive  
You're a redneck heartbreak  
Who's really bad at lying  
So watch me strike a match  
On all my wasted time  
As far as I'm concerned you're  
Just another picture to burn

If you're missing me,  
You'd better keep it to yourself  
Cause coming back around here  
Would be bad for your health...

'Cause I hate that  
Stupid old pickup truck  
You never let me drive  
You're a redneck heartbreak  
Who's really bad at lying  
So watch me strike a match  
On all my wasted time  
In case you haven't heard

I really really hate that  
Stupid old pickup truck  
You never let me drive  
You're a redneck heartbreak  
Who's really bad at lying  
So watch me strike a match  
On all my wasted time  
As far as I'm concerned you're  
Just another picture to burn

Burn, burn, burn, baby, burn  
You're just another picture to burn  
Baby, burn...

I clapped at that one. She had a beautiful voice. The way she was glaring at Bella the whole time was kinda creepy, but…she deserved it. She walked forward and gave the mike to a surprised Carlisle. Oh how I would love to hear him sing. Just for me. In the dead of night before we **CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED**. Instruments played for the longest time, keeping me from his voice. But finally lyrics joined the music and his perfect voice washed over, leaving me in a blissful fantasy. I closed my eyes.

_Un giorno sa, per noi verra  
La liberta di amarci qui senza limiti  
E fiorira il sogno a noi negato  
Si svelera l'amor celato ormai  
Un giorno sai, per vivere  
La vita che ci sfugge qui_

L'amore in noi superera  
Gli ostacoli e le maree delle avversita (dell'ostilita)  
E ci sara anche per noi nel mondo Un tempo in cui l'amore vincera Per te per me

L'amore in noi superera  
Gli ostacoli e le maree delle avversita (dell'ostilita)  
E ci sara anche per noi nel mondo Un tempo in cui l'amore vincera  
Un tempo in cui l'amore vincera

It wasn't even in English but it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Edward was watching me with a mixture of disgust and fear on his face. What was his problem? You'd think he was being tortured with pornographic pictures of his father or something. That really wouldn't be torture though. **CENSORED CENSORED **What a weird kid. He handed the microphone over to Esme.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me  


Crap! She sings well. I'll still get her husband one way or another. Esme smirked at me and gave Bella the mike. She looked at it as if it was a poisonous snake. Eyes wide she looked at Edward. He smiled lovingly, bleh, and said, "Come on love, it's a family activity you have to sing too." She shook her head. "I'm not a part of the family so I'm off the hook."

"We consider you family so you're back on the hook." He gave her a crooked grin and looked deeply into her eyes. Her breathing sped up and she walked almost dream like to the front of the room. She tossed a glare at Rosalie and began singing.

Well he used to be mine  
Not so very long ago  
I was crazy to ever let him get away  
Whoa, girl you should have known better  
Than to go braggin' in my face  
So forgive me for what I'm 'bout to say

_Big deal  
So what  
Who cares  
You just got lucky that's all  
It was, shut up, don't want to hear another word about  
Candlelight and long stemmed roses  
And how you're fallin' head over heels  
In love  
So what  
Big Deal_

He's perfect, I heard ya  
The first 10 times that you told me  
Yeah, yeah  
It's amazing  
It's lovely  
I can't believe I let him go  
Whoa, whoa  
I regret it there I said it  
You call yourself a friend  
But you just keep rubbin' it in

Big Deal  
So what  
Who cares  
You just got lucky that's all  
It was  
I swear  
If I hear another word about  
Candlelight and longstemmed roses  
And how you're fallin' head over heels  
In Love  
So What  
Big deal

Congratulations I'm just so happy for you  
I can't contain the way I feel

Big Deal  
Big Deal  
So What  
Who Cares  
You just got lucky that's all  
It was  
Shut up  
Don't want to hear another word  
Candle light and long stemmed roses  
And how you're fallin' head over heels  
In love  
So what  
Big deal  
In love  
So what  
Big deal

Ah, Ah  
It's a real big deal  
Oah  
Yeah  
Ah, Ah  
It's a real big deal  
Big deal  
Ah, Ah  
It's a real big deal  
In Love  
So What  
Shut up  
Ah, Ah

Rose and I were dumbstruck. She was _good._ That's not right. She's supposed to suck. Grr! A well, only one gorgeous blond left to sing. What? Jasper is gorgeous too. He received the microphone. I started feeling nervous. Why was I nervous? He sang in a low voice.

_Im travelin down the road,  
Im flirtin with disaster.  
Ive got the pedal to the floor,  
My life is running faster.  
Im out of money, Im out of hope,  
It looks like self destruction.  
Well how much more can we take,  
With all of this corruption._

Been flirtin with disaster,  
Yall know what I mean.  
And the way we run our lives,  
It makes no sense to me.  
I dont know about yourself or,  
What you want to be - yeah.  
When we gamble with our time,  
We choose our destiny.

Im travelin down that lonesome road.  
Feel like Im dragging a heavy load.  
Yeah! Ive tried to turn my head away,  
Feels about the same most every day.  
Speeding down the fast lane,  
Playin from town to town.  
The boys and I have been burnin it up,  
Cant seem to slow it down.  
Ive got the pedal to the floor,  
Our lives are runnin faster,  
Got our sights set straight ahead,  
But aint sure what were after.

Flirtin with disaster,  
Yall know what I mean.  
You know the way we run our lives,  
It makes no sense to me.  
I dont know about yourself or,  
What you plan to be - yea!!  
When we gamble with our time,  
We choose our destiny.

Yeah!! were travelin down that lonesome road.  
Feel like Im dragging a heavy load.  
Dont try to turn my head away,  
Im flirtin with disaster every day.  
Flirtin with disaster, baby,  
Yall know what I mean.  
You know the way we run our lives,  
It makes no sense to me.  
I dont know about yourself or,  
What you plan to be - yea!!  
When we gamble with our time,  
We choose our destiny.

Yeah!! were travelin down that lonesome road.  
Feel like Im dragging a heavy load.  
Dont try to turn my head away,  
Im flirtin with disaster every day. 

Alice was smiling at him. It was so _not_ cute. "All right," she said, "For round two we will be singing…"

A/N: Whoa. Lot of song lyrics. A lot of disclaiming to do. Alice sang "Things That Never Cross a Man's Mind" by Kellie Pickler. Emmett sang "The Rantk Song" by The Bleh Geeks (AKA us and a couple of friends) and "Five Little Ducks" no idea who came up with it. Edward sang "Goes Down Easy" by Van Zant. Rosalie sang "Picture to Burn" by Taylor Swift. Carlisle sang "Un Giorno Per Noi" by Josh Groban. Esme sang "My Immortal" by Evanescence. Bella sang "Big Deal" by Leann Rimes. Jasper sang "Flirtin' With Disaster" by Molly Hatchet. Whew. Done. What will they be doing for round two?


	15. Round Two Not Solo, Ensemble

Author's Note: I'm beginning to wonder why we're writing you poems when we should be writing them for English class. (Gee Sorina, Edward's writing them not us. Get a grip!) Okay fine. So we shall commence with round two as soon as we get a grip. We don't own Twilight. Isn't disclaimer a cool word? And hippopotamonstrosisquippedaliaphobia? It's the fear of long words. Sorry there's so many lyrics, but we thought not everyone would know the words and wouldn't come across as well. Also we forgot to mention that Emmett's song idea was given to us by Kitty Bridgeta. Thank you!

Chapter Fifteen: Round Two: Not Solo, Ensemble

(If you got the Solo & Ensemble joke, please tell me. = D)

Bella's POV

_Last time: "Round two we'll be singing… DUETS!"_

"Okay, Edward and Bella can go first! Then Rose and Emmett--" Alice squealed.

"WHATTTTTT!!!!!!" Rosalie's voice could have been heard by the mole people who live in the center of the earth. "There is NO WAY I'm singing anything with the overgrown preschooler!" Alice whispered something in her ear and she seemed perked up by it. "Fine."

"As I was saying, then me and Jazzy will go, then Carlisle and Esme," finished Alice. Edward had to drag me up.

"Hey, Bella?" Edward asked.

"What?"

"You wanna mess with Nanny's head?"

"Yes," I said eagerly.

"Let's sing 'Let's Make Love'."

"What!" There was no way, not even when they fly Buicks to the moon. **(Haha Alan Jackson pun.) **Better yet, not even when they can drive _my truck_ to the moon.

"Please, Bella. She already thinks I'm an alcoholic and that I'm sleeping with you because I sneak out to see you all the time. PLEASE!!!!" Edward was way too adorable when he was begging. I was going to give in any second. I could feel it coming.

"Okay fine, but if any of them mention this after I'm turned; even though I will still love you, I will hate you forever." I said.

"Yes! I love you Bella." He put a CD in the machine and the music began.

Nanny's POV

I was getting really annoyed with people's whispered conversations. Everyone else was laughing like they had heard every word. Music began spurting out of the karaoke thingy-doodle.

_(Bella)_

_Baby I've been drifting away  
Dreaming all day  
Of holdng you  
Touching you  
The only thing I want to do  
Is be with you  
As close to you  
As I can be  
(Both)  
Let's make love  
All night long  
Until all our strength is gone  
Hold on tight  
Just let go  
I want to feel you in my soul  
Until the sun comes up  
Let's make love  
Oh, baby  
(Edward)  
Do you know what you do to me  
Everything inside of me  
Is wanting you  
And needing you  
I'm so in love with you  
Look in my eyes  
Let's get lost tonight  
In each other_

Repeat Chorus Twice

Let's make love  
All night long  
Until all our strength is gone  
Hold on tight  
Just let go  
I want to feel you in my soul  
Until the sun comes up  
Oh, until the sun comes up  
Let's make …

Suddenly there was a loud noise and a man in a police uniform was standing in the doorway. He was looking murderously at Edward. I liked this guy. "Chief Swan," Esme said confusedly. "What are you doing here?" Ahh. Chief _Swan_. Must be her father.

"I was looking for Bella," he replied.

"Umm… Dad, it's just a song. Please don't shoot Edward," said Bella.

"Why not?" he seethed.

"The paperwork afterwards would be tremendously torturous."

"Dang it," he whispered. He sat down in one of the chairs and glared at everyone.

"It's Rose and Em's turn," Alice reminded us. They stood up and had a hurried whispered conversation. Rosalie popped in a CD and so it began.

_Rosalie:  
I've known about you for a while now  
When he leaves me he wears a smile now  
As soon as he's away from me  
In your arms is where he wants to be_

Emmet:  
But you're the one he rushes home to  
You're the one he gave his name to  
I'll never see his face in the early morning light  
You have his mornings, his daytimes  
And sometimes I have his nights

Both:  
But does he love you (Does he love you)  
Like he loves me (Like he loves me)  
Does he think of you (Does he think of you)  
When he's holding me  
And does he whisper (Does he whisper)  
All his fantasies  
Does he love you (Does he love you)  
Like he's been loving me

Chief Swan dashed to the door covering his ears and looked as if he were in pain. This was very strange. Emmett was singing a girl's part in an awkwardly high voice. They finished up the rest of the song. The rest of the family clapped enthusiastically while Emmett bowed dramatically. Alice stood up with Japer and took the microphone.

_(Jasper)_

_She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette  
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget  
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time  
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind  
Until the night  
(Both)  
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger  
And finally drank away her memory  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees  
We found him with his face down in the pillow  
With a note that said I'll love her till I die  
And when we buried him beneath the willow  
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby  
(Sing lullaby)  
(Alice)  
The rumors flew but nobody know how much she blamed herself  
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath  
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time  
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind  
Until the night  
(Both)  
2nd Chorus  
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger  
And finally drank away his memory  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees  
We found her with her face down in the pillow  
Clinging to his picture for dear life  
We laid her next to him beneath the willow  
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby  
(Sing lullaby)_

Bella and I both had silent tears running down our cheeks by the end of the song. The rest of them weren't crying. The Cullens were so heartless. Carlisle and Esme got up then to relieve the last duo. Their song started out much more upbeat. I was absolutely astonished when I could hear what they were singing.

_(Carlisle)_

_Girl you're beautiful  
You're bout near perfect  
But I bet somebody's already told you that  
Name your poison  
Name your passion  
Cause a boy like me just couldn't help but ask  
(Esme)_

_Keep on talking to me baby  
I'm hanging on your every word  
Keep those drinks a coming maybe  
We'll both get what we deserve_

Chorus (Both)  
How bout baby  
We make a promise  
To not promise anything more than one night  
Complicated situations  
Only get worse in the morning light  
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time  
(Carlisle)  
Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5  
And you're just the girl to get that off my mind  
You shouldn't 've worn that dress  
You shouldn't dance like that  
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive  
(Esme)

_I sure love this conversation  
The band is good, the music's loud  
But would you get the wrong impression  
If I called us a cab right now_

Repeat Chorus  
(Carlisle)  
Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close  
(Esme)

_Tell me that you love me even if you don't  
(Both)_

_The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever  
But you never say never in life_

Repeat Chorus

Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

That was different. The rest of the family was rolling around laughing. Of course I knew deep down Carlisle had been thinking about me while he was singing that. Edward started laughing harder. Alice stood back up and said between giggles. "That completes round two. Next is…"

A/N and disclaiming: "Let's Make Love" is by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. "Does He Love You" is by Reba McEntire and Linda Davis. "Whiskey Lullaby" is by Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss. "Lookin' For a Good Time" is by Lady Antebellum. So one more round and outtakes left. Outtakes is basically we couldn't decide which songs to make all of them sing so we made an other chapter for it.


	16. Round Three Finally It's Over!

Author's note: Sorry it's been a couple days, but I'm actually blowing off my English project to write this. So I'm blaming you if I fail English. Just kidding. I could probably do that on my own. Disclaimerness dealio: We don't own Twilight. Or any songs in this final round.

Chapter Sixteen: Round Three

Nanny's POV

_Last time: "That completes round two. Next is…"_

"Disney songs!" squeaked an excited Alice. She had obviously been waiting for this. "Emmett's first!" Emmett was thrilled. He raced up and wrestled the microphone from Esme, who still had it. "Hey ya'll watch this!" **(HaHa. Lol. Sorry.)**

Let's get down to business  
To defeat the Huns  
Did they send me daughters  
When I asked for sons?  
You're the saddest bunch  
I ever met  
But you can bet  
Before we're through  
Mister, I'll make a man  
out of you  
Tranquil as a forest  
But on fire within  
Once you find your center  
you are sure to win  
You're a spineless, pale  
pathetic lot  
And you haven't got a clue  
Somehow I'll make a man  
out of you  
I'm never gonna catch  
my breath  
Say good-bye to those  
who knew me  
Boy, was I a fool in school  
for cutting gym  
This guy's got 'em  
scared to death  
Hope he doesn't see  
right through me  
Now I really wish that I  
knew how to swim  
**Chorus**  
(Be a man)  
We must be swift as  
the coursing river  
(Be a man)  
With all the force  
of a great typhoon  
(Be a man)  
With all the strength  
of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the  
dark side of the moon  
Time is racing toward us  
till the Huns arrive  
Heed my every order  
and you might survive  
You're unsuited for  
the rage of war  
So pack up, go home  
you're through  
How could I make a man  
out of you?  
**Chorusx2**

These people have laughing issues. They were hanging over the furniture giggling and shaking, _again._ It wasn't funny at all. In fact, it was horrendous. Part of the window cracked. Emmett still looked like he had won the lottery. Not that they needed to. Rosalie jumped up with uncharacteristic enthusiasm and stole the mike. "This is for my darling sweetheart Edward."

In a perfect world  
One we've never known  
We would never need to face the world alone  
They can have the world  
We'll create our own  
I may not be brave or strong or smart  
But some where in my secret heart  
I know  
Love will find a way  
Any where we go  
I'm home  
If you are there beside me  
Like dark turning into day  
Some how we'll come through  
Now that I've found you  
Love will find a way  
I was so afraid  
Now I realize  
Love is never wrong  
And so it never dies  
There's a perfect world  
Shining in your eyes  
And if only they could feel it too  
The happiness I feel with you  
They'd know  
Love will find a way  
Any where we go  
we're home  
If we are there together  
Like dark turning into day  
Some how we'll come through  
Now that I've found you  
Love will find a way  
I know love will find a way

She sang both parts of the duet flawlessly. I swear she harmonized her own voice. It was weird, but cool. "So, what'd ya think, babe?" she flirted. She winked at Edward and tossed him the mike. Edward stood up awkwardly and tripped on his way up to the front. He mumbled something that sounded like, "I didn't think I'd get to see you again. I guess my sense of equilibrium isn't completely back yet. I love you floor." He then proceeded to hug the carpet. What a strange kid. He finally reached the front and said, "Again, for you Nanny."

Cruella De Vil  
Cruella De Vil  
If she doesn't scare you  
No evil thing will  
To see her is to  
Take a sudden chill  
Cruella, Cruella De Vil  
The curl of her lips  
The ice in her stare  
All innocent children  
Had better beware  
She's like a spider waiting  
For the kill  
Look out for Cruella De Vil  
At first you think  
Cruella is the devil  
But after time has worn  
Away the shock  
You come to realize  
You've seen her kind of eyes  
Watching you from underneath  
A rock!  
This vampire bat **Everyone started laughing again here.**  
This inhuman beast  
She ought to be locked up  
And never released  
The world was such  
A wholesome place until  
Cruella, Cruella De Vil

I really didn't get what was so funny. HMPH! I'm going to go insane if I have to hear anymore laughing! Also, that was, once again, inappropriate and mean. Esme pointed this out for me. "Edward! That was very mean!" Carlisle kissed her and she seemed to forget she was yelling at him. I wanted to yell "PDA!" at them. I think I did, because everyone was pointing and laughing at me. Alice claimed the spotlight next. Then Carlisle shoved her out of the way and started singing.

know that your powers of retention  
Are as wet as a warthog's backside  
But thick as you are, pay attention  
My words are a matter of pride  
It's clear from your vacant expressions  
The lights are not all on upstairs  
But we're talking kings and successions  
Even you can't be caught unawares  
So prepare for a chance of a lifetime  
Be prepared for sensational news  
A shining new era  
Is tiptoeing nearer  
And where do we feature?  
Just listen to teacher  
I know it sounds sordid  
But you'll be rewarded  
When at last I am given my dues  
And injustice deliciously squared  
Be prepared!  
Yeah, Be prepared.  
Yeah-heh... we'll be prepared, heh.  
...For what?  
For the death of the king.  
Why? Is he sick?  
No, fool-- we're going to kill him. And Simba too.  
Great idea! Who needs a king?  
No king! No king! la--la-la--la-laa-laa!  
Idiots! There will be a king!  
Hey, but you said, uh...  
I will be king! ...Stick with me, and  
you'll never go hungry again!  
Yaay! All right! Long live the king!  
Long live the king! Long live the king!  
It's great that we'll soon be connected.  
With a king who'll be all-time adored.  
Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected  
To take certain duties on board  
The future is littered with prizes  
And though I'm the main addressee  
The point that I must emphasize is  
You won't get a sniff without me!  
So prepare for the coup of the century  
(Oooh!)  
Be prepared for the murkiest scam  
(Oooh... La! La! La!)  
Meticulous planning  
(We'll have food!)  
Tenacity spanning  
(Lots of food)  
Decades of denial  
(We repeat)  
Is simply why I'll  
(Endless meat)  
Be king undisputed  
(Aaaaaaah...)  
Respected, saluted  
(...aaaaaaah...)  
And seen for the wonder I am  
(...aaaaaaah!)  
Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared  
(Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo)  
Be prepared!  
Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared  
Be prepared!

He even sounds sexy when he's singing about taking over. You can take over me Carlisle. Mental sigh. Alice stormed back up and shoved Carlisle. Then they started fighting really weirdly. They were scratching each other and making shrill metallic noises. After awhile Alice declared she had won and started singing before anyone could steal her limelight again.

I admit that in the past I've been a nasty  
They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch  
But you'll find that nowadays  
I've mended all my ways  
Repented, seen the light and made a switch  
True? Yes  
And I fortunately know a little magic  
It's a talent that I always have possessed  
And here lately, please don't laugh  
I use it on behalf  
Of the miserable, lonely and depressed  
(Pathetic)  
Poor unfortunate souls  
In pain  
In need  
This one longing to be thinner  
That one wants to get the girl  
And do I help them?  
Yes, indeed  
Those poor unfortunate souls  
So sad  
So true  
They come flocking to my cauldron  
Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!"  
And I help them?  
Yes, I do  
Now it's happened once or twice  
Someone couldn't pay the price  
And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals  
Yes, I've had the odd complaint  
But on the whole I've been a saint  
To those poor unfortunate souls  
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber  
They think a girl who gossips is a bore  
Yes, on land it's much preferred  
For ladies not to say a word  
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?  
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation  
True gentlemen avoid it when they can  
But they dote and swoon and fawn  
On a lady who's withdrawn  
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man  
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul  
Go ahead!  
Make your choice!  
I'm a very busy woman  
And I haven't got all day  
It won't cost much  
Just your voice!  
You poor unfortunate soul  
It's sad  
But true  
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet  
You've got to pay the toll  
Take a gulp and take a breath  
And go ahead and sign the scroll!  
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys  
The boss is on a roll  
This poor unfortunate soul

That was just plain creepy. She grinned maniacally at Jasper and pulled him up to the front. He seemed uncomfortable. I wasn't feeling too good myself. He shifted a little but started singing with better conviction.

There you see her  
Sitting there across the way  
She don't got a lot to say  
But there's something about her  
And you don't know why  
But you're dying to try  
You wanna kiss the girl  
Yes, you want her  
Look at her, you know you do  
It's possible she wants you, too  
There is one way to ask her  
It don't take a word  
Not a single word  
Go on and kiss the girl  
Sing with me now  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la  
My, oh, my  
Look at the boy too shy  
He ain't gonna kiss the girl  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la  
Ain't that sad  
Ain't it shame, too bad  
You gonna miss the girl  
Now's your moment  
Floating in a blue lagoon  
Boy, you better do it soon  
No time will be better  
She don't say a word  
And she won't say a word  
Until you kiss the girl  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la  
Don't be scared  
You got the mood prepared  
Go on and kiss the girl  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la  
Don't stop now  
Don't try to hide it how  
You wanna kiss the girl  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la  
Float along  
Listen to the song  
The song say kiss the girl  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la  
Music play  
Do what the music say  
You wanna kiss the girl  
You've got to kiss the girl  
Why don't you kiss the girl  
You gotta kiss the girl  
Go on and kiss the girl

"Seriously Edward, we weren't sure you could even do that." Edward threw a pillow at Jasper and mumbled, "I can kiss her."

"Actually," he replied, "we weren't sure you would want to kiss a _girl._"

Edward stormed up and punched him in the face. "For the last, I AM NOT GAY!"

"Stop fighting you two and listen to me sing," interjected Esme.

I'll be your candle on the water  
My love for you will always burn  
I know you're lost and drifting  
But the clouds are lifting  
Don't give up you'll have somewhere to turn  
I'll be your candle on the water  
'Till ev'ry wave is warm and bright  
My soul is there beside you  
Let this candle guide you  
Soon you'll see a golden stream of light  
A cold and friendless tide has found you  
Don't let the stormy darkness pull you down  
I'll paint a ray of hope around you  
Circling in the air  
Lighted by a prayer  
I'll be your candle on the water  
This flame inside of me will grow  
Keep holding on you'll make it  
Here's my hand so take it  
Look for me reaching out to show  
As sure as rivers flow  
I'll never let you go  
I'll never let you go  
I'll never let you go...

Alright, I admit it; that was good. It was so pretty. Esme smiled softly. Then she glared at Bella, who got up rather shakily to sing.

So this is love, Mmmmmm  
So this is love  
So this is what makes life divine  
I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm  
And now I know  
The key to all heaven is mine  
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm  
And I can fly  
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky  
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of  
Mmmmmm  
Mmmmmm  
So this is love

Alice clapped enthusiastically. "Ok. Show's over. Go home." I didn't bother to point out they were home. That girl can be a little too hyper sometimes. I wonder if someone's been sneaking her caffeine… Oh well, atleast the torture's over.

A/N: I am SO sorry this took so long. You see, we were being held hostage by the evil tangerine overlords. They forced us to write hundreds of poems (well more like fifteen, but…) and then they brainwashed us with writers' block. But eventually the homework fairies came and bailed us out. That our story and we're sticking to it. I promise this won't happen again.


	17. Pink Rubber Duck with Green Polka Dots

Author's note: I know the last chapter wasn't really worth the wait. So to make it up to you, how's another chapter? This is supposed to be funny. We laughed our butts off. DISCLAIMERNESSIONESS: We don't and never will own Twilight. We just own all the bad jokes. Also, I'm an idiot. Because I forgot last chapter, here's the songs they sang.

Emmett- Be a Man- Mulan

Rosalie- Love Will Find a Way- Lion King II

Edward- Cruella De Vil- 101 Dalmatians

Carlisle- Be Prepared- Lion King

Alice- Poor Unfortunate Souls- Little Mermaid

Jasper- Kiss the Girl- Little Mermaid

Esme- Candle on the Water- Pete's Dragon

Bella- So This is Love- Cinderella

Chapter Seventeen: A Pink Rubber Duck with Green Polka Dots

Edward's POV

The next day…

Emmett and I were sitting in the living room watching baseball on 65 glorious high-definition inches. **(That's what our dad insists we call the TV. What a weirdo…)** Being supervised by Nanny of course. Because one can only imagine the trouble we could get in staring at something. Mental eye roll. Just another boring day. Mental sigh. OMC! That's not normal! The Cubs were winning! **(Teehee. 100****th**** times the charm.)** That's awesome.

_Hey Edward, wanna play a game? _Emmett thought mentally wiggling his eyebrows_._ I cocked my head slightly to the side at him in invitation to continue. _Give Nanny something to think about._ I actually rolled my eyes at that. Too low for the human to hear I said, "No one wants to hear about your sex life with Rose."

He looked shocked. _I have a sex life with Rose?_ Oh right, he thinks he's five. "Never mind, what are you talking about then?"

He sat there mentally wiggling his eyebrows for three minutes. I was getting extremely annoyed. "So Edward, tell me, how would you kill the Nanny if you were a moose?"

What? Oh, I get it. We're gonna discuss ways to kill the Nanny with her in the room. But why would I be a moose? "Emmett, what else are antlers for?" I asked playing along.

"Oh Edward, I thought you could be more creative than that."

"Alright, I'd force her to count box tops then I'd spear her with my antlers."

"Very nice."

"So Em, how would you kill the Nanny if you were an eleven foot tall red-eyed tree frog?"

"Easy, I'd suction-cup her face off. What if you were a glacier?"

"Remember Titanic?"

"That was an iceberg not a glacier."

"They're the same thing."

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"D2!"

What? D2. Are too D2. R2-D2. Okay, I get it. Hahahahahaha. "What if you were an accordion?"

"I'd force her to listen to the world's worst polka music. Then I'd strangle her with my midsection. What if you were a meerkat?"

"I'd eat her babies, like Flower did. **(Meerkat Manor, in case you didn't get that)** Oh wait, what guy's gonna father her children? What if you were a pan flute?"

"Beware my high G. What about an aubergine?"

"I'm a vegetable, what much can I do? I could choke her with my eggplantiness. What if you were a piggy bank?"

"I'd short change her." He waited for my laughter. _Chirp chirp chirp._ "Erm, what if you were an inhaler?"

"Wasn't the other Nanny inhaling stuff? I'd cause her at least occupational death. What if you were a…" Jasper walked in then. "Hey jazz! Wanna join us?"

"But Alice isn't here."

"Uhh… Edward's really Alice in disguise."

"Oh, ok."

Great, now I'm Alice. "So Jazzy-poo, how would you kill the Nanny if you were cannibalistic jelly?"

"I'd turn her into jelly, then eat her. Em, what if you were a super massive black hole?"

"I'd a-Muse myself." He waited for more laughter that would never come. "Geez, tough crowd. I'd shred her into oblivion. Eddie-weddie-kins, green pillow?"

"I'd hug her, and squeeze her, and name her Tasha."

"What?" they said in unison.

"Uhh… I don't have a pillow named Tasha, what? I'd suffocate her while she slept. Jazz, what if you were a mute?"

"… … … … … … … … … … … … What if you were a ceiling fan?"

"SPINNING BLADES OF DEATH! I'd make her so dizzy she'd throw up and choke on her own vomit."

"Nice Emmett."

"Thanka you. What if you were a space heater?"

"I'd commit suicide."

"How does that kill Nanny?"

"It doesn't, but it kills Jacob Black. What if you were a paper mache flamingo?"

"Do I have a paper mache bill? Then I'd peck her head into a nub. What if you were a Tamagotchi?"

"I'd hit her over the head with my virtual shovel. Then give her a swirly in my virtual toilet. What if you were a paisley bra?"

I'd hide in Bella's closet… "I'd…uh…change Jasper into a pink rubber duck with green polka dots that screams Aflac when you squeeze it!"

"Ok…How did I become a rubber duck? Nevermind. I'd create an army of rubber ducks that would squash her with our squeakiness before continuing to take over the world. What if you were Gibbs on crack?" **(Gibbs from NCIS) **

"I'd hit her up side the head til she got a concussion. What… Jazz? What's wrong?"

"You're not Alice."

Wow. "You caught me. I'm really Elvis."

"Alice, my Alice, where are you?" he called as he raced upstairs.

"Ok… Edward, what if you were five boxes of cheez-its?"

"I'm _five_ boxes of cheez-its? Wow. I'd totally eat myself."

"That's weird. Once again, I fail to see how your plan kills the Nanny."

"Why waste cheez-its on her? Um… After I've eaten all the cheez-its, I'd strangle her with the boxes or something. So Em, what if you were a powerpuff girl?"

"A what?"

"Oh, erm… ah… A frozen rose petal!"

"I'd give it to Rose."

"That doesn't kill her either."

"Then I might be able to convince Rose to kill her. Can't you just imagine how great that would be?"

"Alright, I admit, that would be funny."

"So, what if you were a Trill with multiple personality disorder?"

"Haha. Don't they always have multiple personality disorder? I'd become my past life Joran Dax and act like the psycho serial killer I am. What if you were Nannerpuss?"

"I'd sing the Nannerpuss song all day long. _People call me the Nannerpuss, Nannerpuss. And guess what. I'm on pancakes! _That would drive her insane. What if you were twin telepathy?"

"I'd send her mental images of you and Rose. I have so many to pick from. She'd most likely drink bleach to remove the images from her mind. What if you were Bobby Goren?" **(From Law and Order: Criminal Intent)**

"Oh yeah, sure, cause I'm a whack job. I'd throw a brick at her. Then I'd get sent to a mental prison. But that's irrelevant. What if you were Geordi's Visor?" **(From Star Trek TNG)**

"I'd cause her insufferable pain to even see. But she wouldn't be able to see. She'd be blind. What if…" I was cut off by a loud noise which was followed by a shriek from Nanny. What was that?

A/N: Sorry this took so long again. I still have three more projects to finish and I got another one yesterday. ): I left off with a very generic cliffhanger because I had no idea how to end the chapter much less what's gonna happen in the next one. Also, we don't own any of the things we mentioned here except the green pillow and flamingo. When I come up with more plot I'll let you know.


	18. Punnifully Lame

Author's note: **Please disregard the loud noise from the last chapter. I couldn't think of a way to end it so I put in a generic cliffhanger which I am now ignoring. **I am still lacking in a plot, but here is some more random hopefully funny crap. This whole chapter is going to revolve around puns. I'm sorry. There will be a lot of lame jokes. Don't own Twilight. Here goes.

Chapter Eighteen: Punifully Lame

Emmett's POV for the first time ever

I was happily mashing the buttons on my controller, killing zombies, when I heard Edward calling all of us. I merrily skipped up to his room to see what was going on. My Rosie rolled her eyes at me when I entered the room. "What's up?" I asked. Heh heh. That's what she said.

Edward cocked an eyebrow at me. He looked kinda like one of those Vulcans. Heehee. "We are going to find ways to annoy Nanny," he announced. Ooh! This was quickly becoming one of my favorite pastimes! "What would annoy her the most?" He directed that at me.

It's so nice to have my talents recognized. Hmm? What's something easy that annoys people to no end? Heh heh. Jessica Stanley. Um, right. Oh! Oh! It came to me. "Puns!" I yelled.

"Puns?" my beautiful Rosie asked skeptically. How could she doubt the effectiveness of puns?

"Yes, puns! We could try to make everything we say to her a bad pun! We could even set each other up for them. Edward and Alice could coordinate it!" This was brilliant!

Alice was bouncing where she sat with her face screwed up, presumably in full on vision mode. After a few seconds she started bouncing faster and giggling madly. Then she glared at me. "That is a horrible idea! I love it!" she finished, suddenly perky again. If it's even possible, she started bouncing even faster. Jasper had to restrain and calm her before she bounced a hole in Edward's floor.

We coordinated at vampire speed and rushed downstairs to join Nanny. Jasper waited at the top of the stairs. Right on cue he ran down the stairs looking exuberant and love-struck. "I have an announcement! I'm getting married to Seven of Nine!" **(Star Trek Voyager)**

I jumped up then. "OMC! We've engaged the Borg!"

Alice, playing her part of rage flawlessly, said, "She's gonna have to regenerate her face when I'm done with her!"

"What kind of ring are you getting her Jasper?" asked Edward.

"Cube-ic Zirconium." Jasper then proceeded to fall over laughing. Nanny wasn't too pleased. It was awesome.  
Edward and I started playing a Star Wars game on the PS3 in the living room. Nanny stayed and watched us. "Ugh," I whined, "How long does it take to get to Mustafar?"

"Gee, maybe it's because it's Most-a-far."

After we reached Mustafar, we put some music on. We were listening to Garth Brooks as we headed to Tatooine. "I hate Tatooine. How long is it til we get out of here?"

"I don't know Emmett. Tatoos can take a long time; it depends on how big it is."

"That's what she said."

"Who?" Nanny questioned curiously.

"Not Bella." Edward hit me. It was not nice. We got locked into an epic battle on Geonosia. **(Just so you know the next part is all Garth Brooks puns.)** "Ha! I _ain't going down_!"

"Not _til the sun comes up_. What the heck, Em? Why did you just jump off a cliff?"

"It's the _new way to fly_. What are you doing?"

"_Burning bridges_. Gotta be sure to _stand outside the fire_, though. Cause if you don't, you get burned. Oh kill that guy!"

"I can't! I _buried the hatchet_!"

"Didn't you leave the handle sticking out?"

"Oh yeah."

Alice and Jasper came down and started playing poker. "Hey Alice, what you got?"

"_Two of a kind, working on a full house_." Nanny started hitting her head against the coffee table. I was truly amazed at what happened next. A mole popped his head out of the ground just outside our huge back window. Even the moles were helping me set up puns!

"Hey, it's Colby." **(Numb3rs episode called The Mole, it's a pun really!)**

"Why do you know the mole's name?"

"_I got friends in low places_."

"Oh."

"Oh yeah! Take that Alice! I win!" we heard from Jasper.

"I'm a _victim of the game_," Alice sighed.

"I used to have a chicken!" Jazz yelled.

"What? Ok…"

"It was a _Dixie chicken_."

Suddenly, Jasper and Alice jumped up and headed upstairs. Jazz was yodeling the whole time. My pretty Rosebud wandered in with her cell phone pressed to her ear. Isn't Rosebud a cool nickname? "Who ya _callin'_?"

"_Baton Rouge_. Who wants alligator?"

Edward just had to mock my Rosie. "Really, reptiles? As in cold-blooded? No thanks." Rosie gave him a look and left. I was sad.

Then, Carlisle and Esme came home. "Where were you two?"

"_The night will only know_," Carlisle answered cryptically.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We were LeDouxing it," Esme giggled.

"Yeah, now we know how the Mercedes bends."

"TMI"

"You think you're getting too much information? I'm getting their memories," Edward complained.

"Well, I'm going," said Carlisle.

"Where are you going?"

"_Beer run_. I have to pick up some _longneck bottles_."

"Uh, Carlisle, you don't drink."

"Um, it's for the _wolves_. They have a _fever_."

"So…"

"Remember that song Dry Town? Well, I think Miranda Lambert may have been stuck on the Quileute Rez."

"Ok… whatever. Hey Edward, know what I just remembered? _That summer_ when the weird _rodeo_ clown asked us to corral the _wild horses_ to _Lonesome Dove_, and we ended up on_ the beaches of Cheyenne_."

"How do you remember that?"

"Oh it's _more than a memory_."

"Why are you doing this to me?!?!" Nanny shrieked, looking half-crazed.

"We're _shameless_," I replied. She ran screaming out of the room.

"_What's she doing now_?"

"Tearing me apart. _Kickin' and screamin'_"

Alice and Jasper returned a couple minutes later. "_Good ride cowboy_," she said to Jasper.

**Later…**

It was time for phase three. Nanny was walking through the house and I was gonna follow her. And tell really lame jokes.

"Hey Nanny, what's brown and sticky?"

"Syrup," was her genius reply.

"No silly, a stick. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?"

No response. "A roamin' Catholic. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?"

… "Robin, get in the car. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?"

Still no answer. "A bad hare day! Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?"

"No," she said almost cautiously.

"Well that's because he hides well. Where do kings keep their armies?"

"In a fort?" she sighed.

"In their sleevies! What do you call a sleeping cow?"

"A cow?"

"A bulldozer! What do you call a fly with no wings?"

"A fly," she responded with a hint of annoyance.

"A walk. Why was the tomato blushing?"

"Because it was really Bella?"

"OMC! Nanny, that was actually good! But, no. It's because it saw the salad dressing. Ok, so two muffins were in an oven and one said 'It's hot in here.' What did the other one say?"

"Duh, we're in an oven."

"OMC! A talking muffin! Why do seagulls fly over the sea?"

"I don't know."

"Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels! What do you get when you cross Garth Brooks and Stephenie Meyer?"

"Who?"

"Midnight Sun. What…"

"Why are you doing this to me?" she said turning around sharply.

"I'm bored. And this is entertaining."

"Alright, I want everyone in the living room in two minutes. Go get the others."

**Two minutes later…**

"Alright," Nanny addressed us. She had us sitting in a circle in the middle of the room. "You children have been subtly misbehaving all day, so now we're going to do something safe. I'm going to ask you questions and then we're going to go around the circle and answer them. Are we clear?"

There were synchronized mumbled yeses to this proclamation. "Why don't we start with something simple? What is your favorite color? Alice, you start."

"Crimson. Wait, no, umm, umm, periwinkle?"

"Ok, Jasper?"

"Scarlet. NO! I mean, uh, Grey!"

"??? Emmett?"

"Red," I blurted out. Wait, red. Blood. Oops. "Uh, Pink!" Pink? What?

"Emmett, why is pink your favorite color?"

"Because I love my little finger?" I stated questioningly.

She gave me a weird look before asking, "Edward?"

"Burgundy. Gah! I meant brown."

He kinda had this dreamy look on his face when Nanny turned to Rosie. "Rosalie?"

"Ruby." A look of horror crossed her magnificent face as she realized she had made the same mistake as everyone else. "Actually, it's emerald," she purred with a pointed look at Edward. I'm gonna kill Edward.

"Carlisle?" Nanny _tried _to purr like Rosie.

"Russet, eww. No. Wolf blood." He muttered the last part so only we could hear. "Carmel," he stated looking lovingly at Esme.

Nanny scoffed quietly. "Esme?" she said, her voice dripping with venom.

"Vermillion. Oops, lavender?"

"What is it with you people and the color red? It's all of your favorite colors, but you won't admit it? What it is that?!"

We stared at her. "Ugh, I'm going to bed." And with that, she walked off. A cliff. I wish. We sat there staring at each other for a while. Then Carlisle jumped up and did a happy dance around the room. "What are you doing?"

"Esme…"

"I meant right now."

"Oh. This is my 'I had a great idea' happy dance."

"And your idea is…"

"Let's go to Santa Carla!"

"Why would we go to the murder capital of the world?"

"There are vampires there!"

"What would we do with Nanny?"

"She can come too."

So we kidnapped Nanny in her sleep and headed to the airport. But first we kidnapped Bella too. She makes everything more fun. We boarded a flight for California with Nanny stumbling along sleepily. Carlisle may have drugged her. When we got on I saw a guy I knew. His name's Jack. "Hi Jack!" I called.

People around us started getting all panicky. I don't know what their problem is. Some of them were whispering "hijack." Wait, someone's hijacking the plane? Why's everyone staring at me? Edward quit shaking your head at me. The pilot came up to me and asked cautiously if I was hijacking the plane. Oh. "No. I saw a guy named Jack. I said hi to him."

People were a little calmer after that. We got underway shortly. I stopped a stewardess passing my seat. "How high are we going?" I asked her.

"Umm, I don't do drugs," she said. I looked out the window at the pretty clouds.

A/N: Guess what?! I have a plot now!!!!!!!!!!! The stories gonna end in a few more chapters. Lots of horribly lame jokes, huh? If I got you to laugh at least once, then REVIEW! If we get 10, there will be another Edward poem! Isn't it nice that I bribe you with poems? To Santa Carla!


	19. A Bridge

Author's Note: Hi there. It's Sorina. You're going to want to bite my head off after you see this chapter, but I implore you, please don't. This is a sort of necessary bridge chapter between the last chapter and the one I just started writing.

The Almost Chapter Nineteen: A Bridge

3rd Person

The Cullens' plane landed somewhere in northern California. They rented a car from the airport and began their journey southward. They decided to give Nanny a break for kidnapping her. They obeyed the speed limit! All during the ride Emmett couldn't stop thinking about the one pressing question that plagued his mind.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"It's only been five minutes."

"Oh. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Do pickles have feelings? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Does alligator jerky taste good with mustard? Are we there yet?"

A/N: Yep that's all folks. Don't cause me bodily harm. I'm writing another chapter. Random: THEY TOOK OPART! Read my sister's story, Bloodied Halo.


	20. The Big, Red Guy's Name Is Carla?

Author's Note: Final Chapter? I'm not sure. The karaoke outtakes are still going to be at the end, but I don't know about the story. My brain is fuzzier than some of those funny-looking poisonous caterpillars. Oh, I'm so confused. How about a poem. It's called Surface Tension. Edward was really depressed because Bella was away when he wrote this. And I don't own Twilight or The Lost Boys.

_Surface tension?_

_What gives teardrops their shape._

_On the surface we are who we appear_

_Beneath there is complexity_

_Too hard too handle, too easy to ignore_

_Until it can't be ignored_

_Then the true colors are shown_

_Flashing across our expressions_

_Evident in our actions_

_Tension makes us hide deeper inside_

_Or burst forth to reveal ourselves_

_Something snaps_

_Someone gets hurt_

_Maybe they caused it_

_But the guilt is there afterwards_

_Your chest aches_

_Then the teardrops fall_

_From the tension in your head_

_To the surface of the table._

Chapter Twenty: The Big Red Guy's Name is Carla?

Edward's POV

Yes, Santa Carla: the murder capital of the world, home to half a dozen vampires and (thanks to a lack of continuity) several people in awful, eighties clothes. I don't mean to be skeptical but having Bella here might very well bring the vampires back from the dead. The undead. Wait, the dead for the undead? Wouldn't that be living? Or does undead mean living? That would turn it into a triple negative so to speak. So…dead? I had a moment of confused mental silence. Who cares?

We drove down a path to our decrepit hotel that overlooked the carnival on the streets. Every bulletin board and telephone pole we passed was plastered with 'missing persons' notices. The hotel was old and kind of ominous. We got five rooms: one for each couple and one for Nanny. Bella and I went to put our stuff in our room. It smelled vaguely of sewage and mildew. Lovely, just great.

We went for a stroll through the boardwalk. Bella, Alice, and I walked along the shops. Alice scoffed at everyone we passed. I guess this style was never coming back or something. We passed a video store and the man inside ran to the window to stare at us while we went by. There was something off about him. Alice couldn't get past the bowtie he was wearing, but I was sure I didn't like him for some reason.

Down the path we walked by a comic book store. Two kids in there mouths fell open when they saw us. Then they put their heads together to whisper to each other. I peeked at their minds. I got images of comic pages featuring vampires, blood, and gruesome corpses. Hmm…that's not good. I urged my companions to speed up.

We ambled over towards the Ferris wheel and the carousel. There was a line of sleek, shiny bikes parked in the sand. Several figures were coming towards them and by association us. The one in front with short, spiked, blond hair (most likely their leader) paused when he saw us. The others followed suit. We stared at each other for a really long time. A really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really long time. His mind showed some kind of recognition of our pale skin and unusual scent. He was remembering someone else he had met. OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS LUSH AND CINNAMONY! He was thinking about Carlisle. Except Memory Carlisle had really bad hair and bell bottoms. Hmm… … … … There are no words for this. Bella was clearly becoming impatient because no one would explain the strange silence.

"Hello," I said still dumbfounded. "My name is Edward."

"David," he replied extending his arm. We shook hands for a brief moment. My cold skin seem to confirm in his mind that I was what he assumed I was. "Welcome to Santa Carla."

"Nothing like a little vacation to the murder capital of the world. Seen any vampires around lately?" asked Alice.

"As a matter of fact I know where they sleep."

"Oh cool!" squealed Alice with perfect mock enthusiasm.

"I'd love to show you some time," he addressed to only Alice.

Her mood changed again. "Yeah well I'd love to show you my husband, you stupid, flirty, hot, vampire guy!" she yelled before storming leaving a flurry of sand behind her. We all kind of stared after her for a confused moment.

"Umm…"

"I've met your kind before. We should get together and talk."

"Sure. We're staying at hotel by the east entrance to the boardwalk. Room 245." I suddenly became very uncomfortable with the people behind David that were eyeing Bella in odd speculative ways. "See ya. Come on Bella." I pulled with me back towards the hotel. Then I remember our room was 243. I vaguely wondered whose room I was sending them to but I didn't particularly care. As long as they were away from Bella everything would fine, maybe.

Meanwhile…

Alice's POV

I decided to go find Jasper. I really hated these stupid badly dressed, weird, other breed vampires. He was with Rosalie and Emmett at some concert. He looked completely petrified around the howling, drunken crowd. Probably some kind of emotional overload. Poor Jazzy. I stood by him and listen to Rose and Em shouting to each other over the music.

"Where are we again? I forgot." Emmett said. That's stupid. He should have perfect recall.

"Santa Carla, idiot!" she yelled back.

"The big, red guy's name is Carla? But that's a girl's name." Rose smacked herself on her forehead in agitation. "Why aren't you with Edward?" he asked more quietly.

"Because he's an unfun prude. Duh." Emmett started jumping up and down in victory. I guess Rose was over her mental defect. The music started to go downhill very quickly after a few hours so we went back to the hotel to meet the others.

At the hotel…

Edward's POV

All of us arrived at the hotel lobby at the same time. I was pleased to find out that Rosalie no longer harbored romantic feelings for me. I tried asking Carlisle how the vampires here knew him but he was reciting the digits of pi in his head.

All of a sudden there was a loud shriek from upstairs. Nanny came streaking down the stairs screaming bloody murder. I caught David's face in her mind. Oops. She ran out the front door and drove off in an empty taxi that was sitting against the curb.

The unhappy vampires came down the stairs fangs exposed. I scooped up Bella and all of us sprinted to the rental car. Rosalie had us speeding off towards the highway at 90 mph. We didn't slow down until the sun started ascending into the sky.

We made it home before noon. The good news was everyone seemed to return to normal during the car ride home. The bad news was I still like talking to carpets. Hmm…Oh well. We all agreed to never let Esme near a phone if these episodes began again in the future. We were not going through that again.

And we never saw Nanny again…

A/N: Don'tcha just love a happy ending. Karoake. Umm… I guess it's over or maybe not. When I regain function of my brain I'll let ya know. This has been mental diseases with the Cullens. Tune in next time to hear Emmett say, "NO WAY! You mean all ceiling fans hang from the ceiling!" Wuh McBuh started a few new stories you should read. I've written five chapters to another story that isn't on the website yet. Read and review. We're just going to go back through those reviews for song ideas now. See ya. P.S. The "If we ever have one of these episodes again" thing was a hint that there might be another story with their sickness. Possibly as humans…You can't know more…yet. So :p


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